Ramadan buffet

 Here we go again.

All these years, while i was married, any buffet we attended woth my family, any dinner, lunch, any eating... My ex never paid or share pay the meal with my siblings.. It has always been, only my three older siblings that share and pay. That is as far as i know. He paid for our lunch once. In 2020? I think. That was the shock that i got. When i already has no feelings towards him.

Anyway.. Since last year.. Ramadan, it has been about, who will pay for my kids and i meal if we go out for Ramadan buffet. And this year, its the same. Again... Who is paying for our meal.. Yeah!! Its expensive. I surely cant afford it. But, they make it clear, that i have become a burden because i am no lobger with a husband. Not because he used to pay for our meal and now he is not.

Life.. Is funny like that.. 

Being a divorced, suddenly, i am a burden. 

Self love my ass

Until today, at this point of time, my self love, is really going down the drain. My confident level, sucks most of the time. 

I do believe, i am meant to be alone, i am just no one. I do what i do, thats all to it. And live my life. 

Look, there are times, i eat one time a day. To make sure there are enough for my children. Yeah... They are literally can take care of themselves, but.. I am still their mother. So.. Shut up. I am being a mother now. It sucks to be poor and not having enough. Thats all i can say. 

I ask for prayers. So that i can rent or buy cash for a bigger house, so that i dont need to hide when i want to cry. Now, i can only cry, when they are asleep or i was in the bathroom. 

A lot of reasons to cry. Not enough for food, not enough to pay for child's psychologist, not enough to pay the rent and bills. Struggling very much. But still surviving. 

May Allah grant me rezeki that is more than enough. Aameen... 

 

They decided

 Discussed with my children today. How are we going about them and their father. The one that dont want to meet the father are the girls. My son, he is ok. Not really favourable to be around him, but he is ok if he has to meet him.

They said no, for him to know where we are staying.

They said no, for him to meet them.

They said no to even when the brother asked them to just make a video call. To tell their father that it is them who dont want to meet not influenced by me. The mama.

To them, it is not they never told him. They have, but he still chose to indicate that the mama asked them to.

My children are not stupid. They made their decisions, they have decided long before i knew what was happening. So.. Pray hard for me. Will be meeting him soon with my brother.

#MamaLivingHerLife #ToxicRelationships 

Mother's Day

 Mothers day, the original of Mother's Day, ia from every where any where. We have no idea which is real and which is the original.

I do like one version though

In the old days, boys, very very young boys, in England and some European countries, they have to be away from their family, especially their mum and they could only come back to their families once a year. So, on their walk, going back to their mums, they will pick wild flowers to give to their mums. And their mums usually cook and hug and cuddle them as they were still very young. As young as 5 and 6 years old.

It has become a yearly event and thats how Mother's Day begun.

Aa for me. Its the day, i dont want to do anything as a mother. Wakakakaka!!! 

Same situation

Wednesday.. I wish that i will get my talaq. Get it over and done with. And move on. Oh well.. I am not sure how it will turn out. I have seen his delay tactics. And many falls for it. And i think, my brother included.

Lets make it this way. Even if he didnt say his talaq to me. It is not going to change anything on me or my kids. We are still living our lives. A little struggle here and there. But, we are happier. 

Him? Happy, not happy? I really dont care. He put himself in this situation and trying ti make me look bad. But telling people i make him loom bad. Up to you. Even if i dont get the talaq. That does not mean, there will be changes. Maybe some changes.. But it has nothing to Amran. In reality, he is already my ex. Aameen.

Friends or Family

 When we decided to leave. We were terrified. With no money, with nothing much to bring, except for our clothes, laptops, books and such. That are important.

The thing is, a few friends found out, and they helped us immediately. No question asked. The only question they asked, anything else we were lacking and they got it for us. They dont ask for me to pay back. No, nothing.

It was a good beginning. Struggling here and there as my income has always been ups and downs. 

I could feel, that my soon to be ex wish that i am suffering for leaving. He gave rm200 each to my children, per month for the past few months and started to increase to rm300 this month.

He has an apartment that he let me managed and the rental goes into my account. That helps, with the kids insurance that i am atill paying monthly. Why do i bother? Because the money, might help with my children to further their study. Truth. I cannot predict if the father going to pay or not for their studies. Yeah.. I know, kids chose not to speak to their father. As they gave up in trying to make him understand, from their point of view. And they gave up on just letting go of the blame game that the father has been putting on them. It has always someone else's fault for anything that has happened.

Back to my friends. You all are just incredible. Thanks to my two brothers as well who has helped me financially, time to time.

I dont know how to ask for money. From anyone, even my own family. But if my friends ask me out for dinner or Lunch. I told them straight, cheap places, i am in. So, most of the time, they pay for my meals. And for that i am internally and eternally greatful.

ADHD person vs Normal person

 What can i say, yes, they look as though that they like any normal person. When the actual fact is. They are not.

People love to assume that ADHD person is over reacting. When they cant control the reaction.

People love to assume when the facts are clear. They are not like any other human.

Dont talk about religion, dont talk about God, dont talk about being a good person. Because they are not normal. 

Get that in your head. They are not the same as you and me.

It is not finalise

 My divorce has not been finalise. I dont know what he was thinking. Maybe i do. I am the bad person. To him. The one who put the idea inside my children's head.

Along the time we were hiding and still hiding from him. I have learned so many women and their children that has been doing the same. We are not the only one. It is nothing new. 

These women called me and talk to me how some of them in hiding for 4 years. That is a very long time. Do i have the strength? Am i bold enough? Am i brave enough? 

For my children's sake. 

Not perfect

Flaws everywhere. From the face to the heart. No kidding. 

I just doing nice things to people to animal to anything. And because of that, i was told that i am a bad person. Over sangat.. Hmm.. 

This is for you suckers. I love what i am doing. I dont feel its beban. I am bloody good at what i am doing. If you think that is just my ego. So be it. If you think i look for fame.. Almost ten years doing this. Tak femes pun. If you think i am not taking care of myself. I dont look that ugly.. I take my bath daily, do my beauty routine daily, eat my vitamins, eat too well actually and aming other things. So back off suckers. You cant do what i do. Jangan nak kecoh and tunjuk jeles tu sangat boleh? 

Laters baby. Wakakakaka!!! 

 

Longing

Never really told anyone about my family problem. But, this girl that my daughter was hugging, her mother saw it from my daughter's action. When the look of longing. For a father. When her friend has a father that is not by blood to be with, to hug, to kiss and to be a daughter. The look that haunted her friend's mum till this very day. 

I dont teach my daughter to have that look. Its from her heart.. How that, when i learned about that, it makes me so sad. How is it that she has a father but she is not comfortable to feel and love him as a father. 

Stop blaming me. This is the reality. It sucks. But it is real. 

 

Mak left us.

 Mak finally at her final resting place. As her child, it is.never enough with what i have done for her. I will never feel the satisfaction. Whatever she wanted to eat.. She has eaten. Whatever she wanted to do or go, my siblings has done for her.

My duty now is to recite yassin and al-Quran to her, be a much better person so that her life here after is beautiful. Beg for Allah to have mercy on her so that she will go into Jannahtul Firdaus without hisab. Her sadaqah.. On her behalf.. Cannot stop. Have to remind my children too.

I love you mak. No matter what people said. I love you. I may not show much.. But i do. 

My choice for today

What are my choices. Be with my child or be with my mum. My mum has 4 children, 3 with her except for me. 

My daughter on the other hand, has only 1 mom. 

I have to choose to be with her. Consequences that i have to take. 

 

Not my job

 https://youtu.be/ESpM_qOU_Ak

I have not really watch Crazy Rich Asian until my daughter showed me this scene.

Yup.. It is not a woman's job to mske the husband more manly and more husbandly. 

Crying helps?

 I am not really s person who cries even for out of happiness snd worse..l wish i cry more now. Seriously. It may be the reason Allah is not answering my prayers. Because I coukd still handle whatever i am facing. 

My mum is not well. She has been in the hospital. There were water coming out from her skin. Because too much water under her skin. Dialysis.. She only manage to do not as long as 4 hours it seems. That is why. A lot of water in her body. I cant go and see my mun. I have to do whats inportant now.

I got the IPO this afternoon. Not sure how long it will last. But at least.. Better than nothing. Working on all of this. It hurts so bad. How did i get here. Doing all this. I have to protect my children. My emak would want me to do that. She wont be happy if i dont protect my children. They are still so young..

It sucks to be me right now. 

Lies to save yourself

 Trying so hard to make me look bad, and aa though you still care?

Enough is enough. I am exhausted to even just to smile, nod and let go.

No man no worries

 Growing up, i am more listening to my paternal Grandma. My nenek. She went through war with thr Japanese, hardship of being poor even though she was basically a daughter of a respected man and married to at that time, it was considered as big as not many of locals became a magistrate. That was my paternal Grandma. My Tok Ki.

Almost every weekend, my cousins, aunties and uncles will be at my parents house because my nenek was there. I see how she brush off anything that not to her liking. She smile, she laugh and she got hurt too. But she took everything gracefully. She was never bitter. She just let everything flow and go. 

I believe, thats why, i am too positive. Thats how i was described but my friends and children. Of course, i went through hurt snd happiness. Whatever it was, i still smile. Not only on social media. But, anytime.. Will still smile. I was told that i need to feel the hurt.. I do. It is not that i dont. It is just that. I let hurt sink into my every part ofy body and soul and then, tomorrow is a new beginning. It is as simple as that to me. 

Yeah... At the back of my mind, i see my grandma aka nenek in me. No husband? No worries. Even though in my case, i have to get myself out of the marriage and my soin to be ex away from my children. At least for the time being. My children, they need to heal. I pray that he could understand the damages that he has done. Yes, i know, he said it was ne who did it. Say whatever hr wants. Whats important is the reality.

Syarie Court Lawyers

 This morning, I need to rant on Syarie Court Lawyer. They hold the Law of Allah. Not man made law. Its different.

Meeting a few of them, I do feel very curious, do they even know the most important in Islam, it is Allah first. His Law and it is all based from the Al Quran and Sunnah. As a muslim, we cant be more merciful than Allah. And with the knowledge of Allah's law particularly, you as a syarie lawyer cant simply come up with a threat using the law of Allah. You just cant. Period! 

Fear.. Is real..

FEAR!

I said it whatever i can in this podcast. 

#TheFearIsReal

#DomesticAbuse

https://anchor.fm/mimi-liana-nasharuddin/episodes/Fear-e186dic

When you know you have done something right

Being a mum. You ask yourself many times if the decision you have made was right or wrong or maybe something in between. 

My daughter sent me this. This morning. She knows that i am feeling so bad for the past few months. Not able to provide for them. As now, i have bills to pay. I am ok. Working hard. But.. Yeah! Not easy. But okay. 

Thank you Allah. For these blessings. My children, my life. My priority... 

#MamaLivingHerLife 

#MyDivorceJourney

My champions

When he keep on saying to me, i am crazy. Suppose to go and meet with psychiatrist. Little did he know, i have been. Since for so long. I even have my own counseling sessions. With a counselor. I was not able to cope with his abuse. When i started, i didnt realized that i was abused. Mentally. I thought, he was just being mean or himself. And it was okay. I was the one has to learn to be able to adjust myself to his situation. Yeah.. That happens for so long.. That it has become my life style.

Until my children highlighted to me that what he was doing was wrong. 

The worst is, i still did not do anything. My children had to make me. Because they love me.

Am i thankful? Very much. My children arr so strong.. They may not be the smartest in class. But to me, they are my champions.