Why do they want me pregnant?

I have three children. I love them super dearly. They are my life, my love and my everything. Sometimes I am their mother and sometimes I am their monster. But still, I love them so so much.

Most people will tell the beauty of being pregnant. I can tell you the same. Being pregnant is a nice in a lot of ways... you have all kinds of reasons to eat as much as you want. The baby needs the nutrition.. that has been my reason for all my three children. That's why it has been hard for me to lose the baby fat after giving birth. Of course breastfeeding my child is another good reason for me to keep on eating. hahaha!!! But not as much as during pregnancy.

Like my husband and my family, extra care and consideration are given to me. Nice. I do take advantage of the situation sometimes. Why not. I was carrying a baby inside me. And the baby depends on me, so everyone else needs to really take care of me. That was just super cool advantages that I had. Again... Why not?

The first three months of pregnancy, I will get dizzy a lot, puking all the time and everything around me is just smell horrible. I hate everything and anything. Anything that I ate will end up inside the toilet or the drain. It was really suck. Super suck. Don't make me start on bloating. Somehow, I feel there were extra air in some parts of my body besides my tummy after throwing my guts out into the toilet. It makes me feel fat and clumsy, and of course flabby.

From fourth to the sixth month was the time that I became emotionally unstable. Everyone and anyone gets into my nerve. I shout and at anyone and everyone. I do feel like slapping and hitting anyone and everyone. I was angry all the time with no valid reason. I cried a lot, especially after being a terrible person in front of my children and have a horrible intention towards my children. Many many times that I feel like hitting them a lot. Not only hitting them but hurting them as well. The feeling was really plain bad. I regret it after being angry at them but after an hour or so, I will do it again. I really hate myself at that period of time. Did anyone see that. I have no idea. I think my husband keep a close eye on that. So are my other family members. It is all because they want me to be pregnant and have the baby.

The final three months? I just do not know how to describe. Stupid, horrible, depressing and so many other words. All of them in one person that was me. Really bad. I went through all that. I was not able to control. I did pray a lot. I read the al-Quran to seek help from Allah. But, it was still horrible. By the end of seventh month, I keep on praying and wishing that the baby would come out from me as soon as possible. Of course, that never happen. In fact, I was always overdue. Oh God.... I was not able to stand it. I really do not like the moment when I had to nervously wait for the sign for the time the baby to come out to appear. I was like never ending. I just want the emotional ups and downs go away as soon as possible. I hate it. I truly hate it.

Then, the baby was out. Before that, only God knows how painful it was to give birth. Super pain. I remember when my baby was out and cleaned, the nurses gave the baby to me, I do not want to see it yet. As long as the baby was healthy, I am fine. That was all. Just don't remind me that because of the baby I was sick and in pain every part of my body. But of course, no one was able to understand that. They keep on asking me to feed and touch my baby. I feel like shouting at them to leave alone. Just for a while.. leave me alone. I need a little time for myself. That is all I was asking. Tiredness was eating me. Can't they see that?

Post natal depression... that was just sucks... I was able to keep it to myself most of the time. In malay, it called meroyan. Even my husband didn't realized that I was depress and emotionally unstable. The first baby was manageable. the second baby, it was getting worse and the third was really bad. For oney whole year after I gave birth, I suffered from the depression. One long year.

So, when my husband ask me to try for another baby, I just cannot stand the idea. I do not want to be a monster. But my husband do not understand that. And yesterday, his sister ask me the same. And I told her that I do not like it. I do not like being pregnant. I could still see in my children's eye when they saw me, it was like they were looking at this monster who just morph out from their mother. I cannot bear it. But of course, my sis-in-law also cannot see my point. Unless they actually love me being a monster. I guess...

So, in short.. pregnant is just not for me. Three pregnancy is enough. If my husband wants more children, I really do not mind if get more babies from another woman. He can always marry another woman. I don't really care. Honestly. Of course it will hurt me really bad but I always have my children. They are my love and my life.

If, my husband still wants more children, and he wants it from me, I might do it, but I will need him to confirm with me that he is willing to take chances and it may happen at any cost. If he is willing. I might do it. It is not that I did not warn him. If anything happen to me after I gave birth to 4th child, please show this post to my husband. I could feel it in my heart, the cost is going to be very dear.