Not perfect

Flaws everywhere. From the face to the heart. No kidding. 

I just doing nice things to people to animal to anything. And because of that, i was told that i am a bad person. Over sangat.. Hmm.. 

This is for you suckers. I love what i am doing. I dont feel its beban. I am bloody good at what i am doing. If you think that is just my ego. So be it. If you think i look for fame.. Almost ten years doing this. Tak femes pun. If you think i am not taking care of myself. I dont look that ugly.. I take my bath daily, do my beauty routine daily, eat my vitamins, eat too well actually and aming other things. So back off suckers. You cant do what i do. Jangan nak kecoh and tunjuk jeles tu sangat boleh? 

Laters baby. Wakakakaka!!! 

 

Longing

Never really told anyone about my family problem. But, this girl that my daughter was hugging, her mother saw it from my daughter's action. When the look of longing. For a father. When her friend has a father that is not by blood to be with, to hug, to kiss and to be a daughter. The look that haunted her friend's mum till this very day. 

I dont teach my daughter to have that look. Its from her heart.. How that, when i learned about that, it makes me so sad. How is it that she has a father but she is not comfortable to feel and love him as a father. 

Stop blaming me. This is the reality. It sucks. But it is real. 

 

Mak left us.

 Mak finally at her final resting place. As her child, it is.never enough with what i have done for her. I will never feel the satisfaction. Whatever she wanted to eat.. She has eaten. Whatever she wanted to do or go, my siblings has done for her.

My duty now is to recite yassin and al-Quran to her, be a much better person so that her life here after is beautiful. Beg for Allah to have mercy on her so that she will go into Jannahtul Firdaus without hisab. Her sadaqah.. On her behalf.. Cannot stop. Have to remind my children too.

I love you mak. No matter what people said. I love you. I may not show much.. But i do. 

My choice for today

What are my choices. Be with my child or be with my mum. My mum has 4 children, 3 with her except for me. 

My daughter on the other hand, has only 1 mom. 

I have to choose to be with her. Consequences that i have to take. 

 

Not my job

 https://youtu.be/ESpM_qOU_Ak

I have not really watch Crazy Rich Asian until my daughter showed me this scene.

Yup.. It is not a woman's job to mske the husband more manly and more husbandly. 

Crying helps?

 I am not really s person who cries even for out of happiness snd worse..l wish i cry more now. Seriously. It may be the reason Allah is not answering my prayers. Because I coukd still handle whatever i am facing. 

My mum is not well. She has been in the hospital. There were water coming out from her skin. Because too much water under her skin. Dialysis.. She only manage to do not as long as 4 hours it seems. That is why. A lot of water in her body. I cant go and see my mun. I have to do whats inportant now.

I got the IPO this afternoon. Not sure how long it will last. But at least.. Better than nothing. Working on all of this. It hurts so bad. How did i get here. Doing all this. I have to protect my children. My emak would want me to do that. She wont be happy if i dont protect my children. They are still so young..

It sucks to be me right now. 

Lies to save yourself

 Trying so hard to make me look bad, and aa though you still care?

Enough is enough. I am exhausted to even just to smile, nod and let go.

No man no worries

 Growing up, i am more listening to my paternal Grandma. My nenek. She went through war with thr Japanese, hardship of being poor even though she was basically a daughter of a respected man and married to at that time, it was considered as big as not many of locals became a magistrate. That was my paternal Grandma. My Tok Ki.

Almost every weekend, my cousins, aunties and uncles will be at my parents house because my nenek was there. I see how she brush off anything that not to her liking. She smile, she laugh and she got hurt too. But she took everything gracefully. She was never bitter. She just let everything flow and go. 

I believe, thats why, i am too positive. Thats how i was described but my friends and children. Of course, i went through hurt snd happiness. Whatever it was, i still smile. Not only on social media. But, anytime.. Will still smile. I was told that i need to feel the hurt.. I do. It is not that i dont. It is just that. I let hurt sink into my every part ofy body and soul and then, tomorrow is a new beginning. It is as simple as that to me. 

Yeah... At the back of my mind, i see my grandma aka nenek in me. No husband? No worries. Even though in my case, i have to get myself out of the marriage and my soin to be ex away from my children. At least for the time being. My children, they need to heal. I pray that he could understand the damages that he has done. Yes, i know, he said it was ne who did it. Say whatever hr wants. Whats important is the reality.

Syarie Court Lawyers

 This morning, I need to rant on Syarie Court Lawyer. They hold the Law of Allah. Not man made law. Its different.

Meeting a few of them, I do feel very curious, do they even know the most important in Islam, it is Allah first. His Law and it is all based from the Al Quran and Sunnah. As a muslim, we cant be more merciful than Allah. And with the knowledge of Allah's law particularly, you as a syarie lawyer cant simply come up with a threat using the law of Allah. You just cant. Period! 

Fear.. Is real..

FEAR!

I said it whatever i can in this podcast. 

#TheFearIsReal

#DomesticAbuse

https://anchor.fm/mimi-liana-nasharuddin/episodes/Fear-e186dic

When you know you have done something right

Being a mum. You ask yourself many times if the decision you have made was right or wrong or maybe something in between. 

My daughter sent me this. This morning. She knows that i am feeling so bad for the past few months. Not able to provide for them. As now, i have bills to pay. I am ok. Working hard. But.. Yeah! Not easy. But okay. 

Thank you Allah. For these blessings. My children, my life. My priority... 

#MamaLivingHerLife 

#MyDivorceJourney

My champions

When he keep on saying to me, i am crazy. Suppose to go and meet with psychiatrist. Little did he know, i have been. Since for so long. I even have my own counseling sessions. With a counselor. I was not able to cope with his abuse. When i started, i didnt realized that i was abused. Mentally. I thought, he was just being mean or himself. And it was okay. I was the one has to learn to be able to adjust myself to his situation. Yeah.. That happens for so long.. That it has become my life style.

Until my children highlighted to me that what he was doing was wrong. 

The worst is, i still did not do anything. My children had to make me. Because they love me.

Am i thankful? Very much. My children arr so strong.. They may not be the smartest in class. But to me, they are my champions. 

Al Hujurat

 *Nine Lessons from Surah Hujurat*

---------------

"When a glass breaks, the sound of breaking disappears immediately, whereas the glass pieces are scattered all over, hurting whoever walks over it".

Similarly, "When you say something that hurts someone's emotions and feelings, your words disappear, but in the heart remains pain for long."

Therefore, don't say anything except good and always remember the nine advises and prohibitions that ALLAAH has given in Surah Hujurat (The Surah of manners) before you say anything to anyone: 

1.-فتبينوا:💎

"Fa Tabayyanu": Investigate: whenever you receive an information, lest you harm people out of ignorance. 

2.-فأصلحوا:💎

"Fa Aslihu": Make settlement: between your brothers as believers are brothers. 

3.-وأقسطوا:💎

"Wa Aqsitu": Act justly: whenever there is a dispute try for settlement and act justly among both parties as Allah loves those who act justly. 

4.-لا يسخر:💎

"La Yaskhar": Don't ridicule people, perhaps they may be better than you to Allah.

5.-ولا تلمزوا:💎 

"Wa La Talmizu": Don't insult one another. 

6.-ولا تنابزوا:

"Wa La Tanabazu": Don't call each other with offensive nicknames. 

7.-اجتنبو كثيرا من الظن:💎

"Ijtanibu Kathiiran min Aldhan": Avoid negative assumptions, indeed some of the assumptions are sins. 

8.-ولا تجسسوا:💎

"Wa La Tajassasu": Don't spy on each other. 

9.-ولا يغتب بعضكم بعضا:💎

"Wa La Yaghtab": Don't backbite about each other. It's a major sin equivalent to eating your dead brother's flesh.

Lastly, ALLAH says in the Qur'an "Remind, because the reminder benefits believers".

        

Knowledge is power

 Today, i can see why, my soon to be ex husband chose that lawyer to be his lawyer. As I learned that the lawyer's office is like in Kajang or somewhere there. 

They have the same way of thinking. It may not seem obvious but I saw it when he tried to threaten me with nusyuz. Lucky for him, I have a lawyer and I know my rights.

Please ya lawyers. Even though you are representing your client, you are still answering to Allah. Fear Allah please. This morning it is not that he didn't know that I have a lawyer representing me. but he tried. He shove the nusyuz fear to me. 

Get this... Do you really believe Allah will continue let me be bullied and abused? and after all that, putting and giving me all the courage to actually love myself and stand up for myself, I am condemn to hell for sure for being nusyuz? Are you bloody sure we have the same God? My God is Allah.. who is yours? As a syariah lawyer, you should have fear of Allah. You  do have the knowledge of Islamic Law. 

My guess is now, ,thats why many women got defeated with our Syariah system because rhey dont have the knowledge. Even my own sibling was trying to make me tebus talak when I know my rights. yup.. she tried. 

Taking care of myself and my children is not wrong. We away from their father is self care. Get that... Nusyuz or not, Allah wont want me to harm myself or my children, You.. Mr Lawyer obviously do not know anything about what Allah can do to assholes like you for threatening a woman like me.

Who to choose?

If you are given two choices between your children and someone else. Who would you choose?

1. Between your husband and your children?

My Children

2. Between your parents and your chidren?

My Children

3. Between your siblings and your children?

My Children

4. Between your work and your children?

My children

5. Between money and your children?

My Children

I hope this answers your questions. Without even blinking, this is my answer. 

 

Early Riser for a reason

 When all other mothers were up early every morning to make sure breakfast is ready, house is clean, and do whatever work before the kids are up. It has always been different for me. 

I don't prepare breakfast. Time to time,,, yeah. But most of the time, my kids eat the cereal or the most, i do something with eggs and they eat them. well, up to them. Whatever they want to make with the eggs. Or even the prefer to do something else, it is still okay.

Morning, is my time. I play games on my phone, or watch some videos from  YouTube or read some books. Dont get to finish them anymore because I am always busy during the day. Cooking, doing works for the NGO that I am in. yeah... doing anything and everything for others. Now, school has not started. Because of the pandemic. My  duty to send and pick up, not happening at moment.

I don't cry, but I did this morning. I cried hard. Alone. Something that I do quite a lot lately. Why did I cry this morning?

I have done everything that is in and out of my ability to protect myself and children. We are away, hiding. But, we are still stuck.

Doctors, change of medicine.. Happier environment. Still, her meltdown is out of mine or anyone's control. 

My other daughters is still 

Thinking positive has been my life... Maybe I should start thinking negatively. Maybe I don't get stuck anymore. If I think and believe the opposite way. Seriously.. I am just tired of the reason I am stuck because someone just not letting me go. I don't like blaming others. So still keep on telling myself, I let him do this to me. It was my fault., Now.. it is all getting back at me. With all this in my head. I cried hard this morning. Alone. and I don't cry just because, I just don't. Afraid? Maybe... 

How many times that I cried, the man that suppose to be my protector let me cry but then make it , it was my stupidity and mengada-ngada that I cried. All my adult life...thats why i dont cry anymore. Cry hurts me worst.

So.. me waking up early daily, I might have to add crying alone as part of my schedule. Since it does make me feel better. not great, just better. hmmm... Not liking it.. I dont want to cry for a good reason. I want to feel happy because of real happiness. Please...

Meltdown for ADHD daughter

 Do I understand why? Nope

Do I know the reason of the meltdown? Nope

Should I even ask? Nope

Then, what should I do?

Wait and be there patiently and keep my mouth shut. In short, don't even try to sweet talk and rationalise anything of her condition and situation. 

Feed her. When it is time to eat. Still, don't say a word. Just feed her if I have to and or wait if she can eat on her own. Simple food, make anything complicated. Done eating let her on her own and juts check on her time to time. Oh! Don't forget to kiss and hug her time to time. 

If she has medicine make sure she takes her medicine. and make sure we hide them well. As they tend to overdose as that is the only way they know that whatever in their head will stop or just becomes better and clearer. or maybe anything else. I don't know. but yes... just be there.

I am no expert but this is so far helps with my daughter's meltdown. She is 17 the day after tomorrow. But she is still my baby girl.

Relationships Quotes and me

 By the time you swear you are his

Shivering and sighing

and he vows his passion is infinite,

undying

Lady make note of this

One of you is lying

- Sherryl Woods , Chesapeake Shores 

One of us were lying. If not, we wont be here, where we are. It sucks, I even feel so much regrets, but that is not going to change the fact, what I am feeling now. 

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.
― Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins

Holding on for something that I believed worth holding on for. But affecting my children in a bad way. Was not what I expected at all. And now, trying to fix the damages that I have let happened for years. Not easy at all.

It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party.
― Nick Hornby

From beginning. Believing that being different is going to keep the relationships interesting. I was so bloody wrong. Especially only one side wanted to learn of the other side. Who would that be?

Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”
― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City

Yeah... having friends, girlfriends helped me a lot. they keep me sane.

Syariah Law for Women

I learned for the past few months. Bukan senang nak jatuh nusyuz seorang wanita, bukan senang seorang isteri itu derhaka pada isterinya. Our syariah system tidak menyebelahi pihak lelaki. Cuma orang perempuan, khususnya isteri tak tahu hak mereka. Dan mereka tidak diberitahu hak mereka, 

Sebelum failkan cerai, learn. Find out. Buat research sendiri. Jangan malu untuk bertanya pada kawan kawan yang dah jadi janda.

Sebelum failkan Fasakh, bersedia untuk buka semua cerita, sampaikan cerita dalam bilik tidur jugak. Tak yah la nak malu. If your man dont satisfy you sampai orgasm pun boleh kira dengan jari. ready to inform that to the judge. It is important. Sebab, most men will not even hesitate to do exactly that.

Learn as much as possible. Know your rights. As a wife. Jangan dengar cakap orang yang tak tahu apa apa. You must know, sekolahkan mereka yang suka hati kata seorang isteri itu derhaka, yang sukahati nak nerakakan sekorang isteri. Ya, sekolahkan mereka, But before nak sekolahkan mereka. You must have the info and knowledge. So dont stop asking and learning.

Family

I have seen many cases of mothers, wives that been beaten by their husbands, boyfriends and such. who do the need to ask for help?

Often, tehy asked from NGOs like mine for help. Sometimes, they are just so far away, I had to ask. DOnt you have any family members that you can turn to? The hesitation... kills me all the time. 

Sah sah, datang dari perut yang sama, sebab tu la dipanggil adik-beradik. Sah sah sperm tu la yang jadinya wanita ini sebagai manusia di muka bumi ini, but most of the time, these women dont turn to these men that suppose to be their protector.

Even when I did called these men to help their sister or daughter. The answer always.. "kami tak nak masuk campur. Rumahtangga dia, tak patut kot kami masuk campur." 

Kepala hotak kau!!!

The responsibility of brothers and fathers never stop once your sister got married lah. It continues. In fact, as a brother and father of the wife, you are suppose to visit them from time to time at their home. One reason is, when you visit your sister's family, she dont need to wear tudung to cover her hair and body. She can be more at ease. 

The simplest reason. where the brothe and father is responsible to theur sister and daughter. Until she die.. it is all in the Quran and Sunnah. Learn that..

My kids..

One thing that what my mum taught us right is, is about loving and taking care of our children. 

Thats why, i just cant accept when someone told me there are other people more important than my children. I should not be with my children. And when they cant make me leave my children, they try to make me believe that i was a crazy and horrible mother. Crazy in the sense that as though I am crazy and teach my children wrong. 

Please do not under estimate own children especially with the vast  knowledge that they can get at their finger tips. And the way they think and dont even think they can be easily persuaded. Nope... Not kids nowadays... 

So.. the one that said I was the one who put ideas into my kids head. Helloooo... I am that awesome that I can teach one of them to be ADHD? 

Kids giving and telling whats in their mind. Just because it does not suit your  mind.. that does not mean it is wrong and make them a bad person. 

I still on my children's side. Because they have only one mother,

ADHD daughter of mine and us

 Finding out my daughter is ADHD, was huge to me. Here mood swing, her attitude, her track of mind. all make sense when she was diagnose as a person with ADHD.

She was brought up like any normal child. At least that's how i believe any kids suppose to. I am not a perfect parent. But I do try my best. I do very much love all my children.

Knowing the reasons of her actions as she was growing up. her extra sensitiveness it finally make sense. And after learning and knowing that fact, i did all kinds of research to rope the brother and sister in and get them into the same boat. 

It is not about understanding her. It is about being with her and continue to love her even how screw up she makes us feel and she herself feels most of the time. Be with her and don't even bother trying to figure out what the hell is in her mind. or heart or brain or whatever part of her body that she is using to think and feel at the moment. 

Now, here I am with my three children. One of them is ADHD. The four us doing our best. The learning  and discovering. That is on going... We pray hard... very very hard, the love that we have for each other. Just the four us and it is fine.

\

2nd Dose Done

 Sinovac,

After this, I can speak Mandarin? 

Even though I have gotten both . But i have young children with me that has not even got their first dose. My son, the elders already got his first dose. but not my two girls.

Reality check. Even after you have gotten your vaccination. you can still carry Covid 19 with you. And get the people around you infected. 

So, jaga SOP. dont go anywhere and everywhere.. just because you want or feel like it.

#Vaccinated

First Doze Done

 Malaysia is under full lock down now. 

Why, because of Covid 19. 8000 is like just number now when once upon a time last year, it was like hitting 500 is like confirm masuk neraka already kind of feeling. 

Prompt by MySejahtera that i got my first jab appointment. Its under NGO. We got the jabs with gelandangan.

Getting jabs under NGO, basically we have to wait for hours. We have seen people update their IG and FB. We had to queue for a long while. And be super patient. Super Hot. Yes there were big fans. But still not enough. Luckily mine can be done earlier even though scheduled for later. So it was not super sunny hot time of the day.

In all, we are thankful. We got our first doze. That is enough to make us happy. 

#FirstDozeDone