Self love my ass

Until today, at this point of time, my self love, is really going down the drain. My confident level, sucks most of the time. 

I do believe, i am meant to be alone, i am just no one. I do what i do, thats all to it. And live my life. 

Look, there are times, i eat one time a day. To make sure there are enough for my children. Yeah... They are literally can take care of themselves, but.. I am still their mother. So.. Shut up. I am being a mother now. It sucks to be poor and not having enough. Thats all i can say. 

I ask for prayers. So that i can rent or buy cash for a bigger house, so that i dont need to hide when i want to cry. Now, i can only cry, when they are asleep or i was in the bathroom. 

A lot of reasons to cry. Not enough for food, not enough to pay for child's psychologist, not enough to pay the rent and bills. Struggling very much. But still surviving. 

May Allah grant me rezeki that is more than enough. Aameen... 

 

They decided

 Discussed with my children today. How are we going about them and their father. The one that dont want to meet the father are the girls. My son, he is ok. Not really favourable to be around him, but he is ok if he has to meet him.

They said no, for him to know where we are staying.

They said no, for him to meet them.

They said no to even when the brother asked them to just make a video call. To tell their father that it is them who dont want to meet not influenced by me. The mama.

To them, it is not they never told him. They have, but he still chose to indicate that the mama asked them to.

My children are not stupid. They made their decisions, they have decided long before i knew what was happening. So.. Pray hard for me. Will be meeting him soon with my brother.

#MamaLivingHerLife #ToxicRelationships 

Mother's Day

 Mothers day, the original of Mother's Day, ia from every where any where. We have no idea which is real and which is the original.

I do like one version though

In the old days, boys, very very young boys, in England and some European countries, they have to be away from their family, especially their mum and they could only come back to their families once a year. So, on their walk, going back to their mums, they will pick wild flowers to give to their mums. And their mums usually cook and hug and cuddle them as they were still very young. As young as 5 and 6 years old.

It has become a yearly event and thats how Mother's Day begun.

Aa for me. Its the day, i dont want to do anything as a mother. Wakakakaka!!! 

Same situation

Wednesday.. I wish that i will get my talaq. Get it over and done with. And move on. Oh well.. I am not sure how it will turn out. I have seen his delay tactics. And many falls for it. And i think, my brother included.

Lets make it this way. Even if he didnt say his talaq to me. It is not going to change anything on me or my kids. We are still living our lives. A little struggle here and there. But, we are happier. 

Him? Happy, not happy? I really dont care. He put himself in this situation and trying ti make me look bad. But telling people i make him loom bad. Up to you. Even if i dont get the talaq. That does not mean, there will be changes. Maybe some changes.. But it has nothing to Amran. In reality, he is already my ex. Aameen.

Friends or Family

 When we decided to leave. We were terrified. With no money, with nothing much to bring, except for our clothes, laptops, books and such. That are important.

The thing is, a few friends found out, and they helped us immediately. No question asked. The only question they asked, anything else we were lacking and they got it for us. They dont ask for me to pay back. No, nothing.

It was a good beginning. Struggling here and there as my income has always been ups and downs. 

I could feel, that my soon to be ex wish that i am suffering for leaving. He gave rm200 each to my children, per month for the past few months and started to increase to rm300 this month.

He has an apartment that he let me managed and the rental goes into my account. That helps, with the kids insurance that i am atill paying monthly. Why do i bother? Because the money, might help with my children to further their study. Truth. I cannot predict if the father going to pay or not for their studies. Yeah.. I know, kids chose not to speak to their father. As they gave up in trying to make him understand, from their point of view. And they gave up on just letting go of the blame game that the father has been putting on them. It has always someone else's fault for anything that has happened.

Back to my friends. You all are just incredible. Thanks to my two brothers as well who has helped me financially, time to time.

I dont know how to ask for money. From anyone, even my own family. But if my friends ask me out for dinner or Lunch. I told them straight, cheap places, i am in. So, most of the time, they pay for my meals. And for that i am internally and eternally greatful.

ADHD person vs Normal person

 What can i say, yes, they look as though that they like any normal person. When the actual fact is. They are not.

People love to assume that ADHD person is over reacting. When they cant control the reaction.

People love to assume when the facts are clear. They are not like any other human.

Dont talk about religion, dont talk about God, dont talk about being a good person. Because they are not normal. 

Get that in your head. They are not the same as you and me.

It is not finalise

 My divorce has not been finalise. I dont know what he was thinking. Maybe i do. I am the bad person. To him. The one who put the idea inside my children's head.

Along the time we were hiding and still hiding from him. I have learned so many women and their children that has been doing the same. We are not the only one. It is nothing new. 

These women called me and talk to me how some of them in hiding for 4 years. That is a very long time. Do i have the strength? Am i bold enough? Am i brave enough? 

For my children's sake.