When we were young, the adults always ask the kids what they are going to be when they grow up. Why? Does it really matter what they want to be at the time with what they actually going to be.
When I was young, my parents encouraged me to be a doctor. Until I was ten, I realized that I l0ve to find facts and put up a good argument with anyone. So, I wanted to be a lawyer. By the time I was twelve, I really couldn't be bothered what I want to be anymore.
The fact is, I had no idea what kind of life is waiting for me before and what kind of life that is promised to me now. Do having a bachelor degree an assurance of anything for your future. I doubt that. So, when I was twelve, when people ask what I was going to be, I said I do not know. I am just living the moment.
A lot of reaction that I got. Some like it and some was confused. I dont really care about them. Not my problem if they do not like my answer.
At the age 32, my mum was telling me a few months back that my brother is getting promoted to better position in the company and so is my sister. My eldest is doing well and buying a new luxury car. I realized that I did not sound exciting or bother actually. I am a housewife that is taking care of my own kids full time. I have more things in my mind than promotion or cars. At the time I was realizing the fact that I was happy with what I have. When my mum said that one day I will have my own luxury car and let her be on the driver's seat, the first thing I asked her was... " Do I have to have a luxury car?". I am not going to elaborate my mum's reaction on my question.
Since then, my only resolution is to maintain happiness. At least let it be status quo. Better, why not. This year, is the same thing. Maintain my happiness, if I can be more happy than I am now, why not.
Happy New Year! 2010!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monster or a mother?
I have three children. Age 8, 5 and 1. Today I screamed at that them for being nuisance which is basically being them... kids. I regret after but when I was shouting and angry at them... I do realized at one point I was more like a monster than a mother.
Sometimes, I just cant help myself. My eldest just refuse to learn anything, from school or from me, Rather spend his time watching TV and playing games. My middle child just want to focus only on her. When I was just about to feed her sister she will ask me to prepare food for her and telling me that she was really hungry when I just geve her two plates of rice. That is not the only example. And my youngest just do not want to back down from all the attention that I am giving my other two children.
Finally, in the evening when I was super tired and they still playing their games making all the fuss and being nuisance, I screamed. Really shout out loud. I just cant take it anymore. They do not want to listen to what I say but I have to listen to them. Which psychologist actually put a write up on being a good listener to their children. Obviously, that person do not have children.
The more you listen to them, the more they want it. I do realized sometimes my kids became very selfish. This is just hard. Trying to teach them what is right and what is wrong. That is why, sometimes I do feel like I am a monster than a mother expecially when I shout at them.
Sometimes, I just cant help myself. My eldest just refuse to learn anything, from school or from me, Rather spend his time watching TV and playing games. My middle child just want to focus only on her. When I was just about to feed her sister she will ask me to prepare food for her and telling me that she was really hungry when I just geve her two plates of rice. That is not the only example. And my youngest just do not want to back down from all the attention that I am giving my other two children.
Finally, in the evening when I was super tired and they still playing their games making all the fuss and being nuisance, I screamed. Really shout out loud. I just cant take it anymore. They do not want to listen to what I say but I have to listen to them. Which psychologist actually put a write up on being a good listener to their children. Obviously, that person do not have children.
The more you listen to them, the more they want it. I do realized sometimes my kids became very selfish. This is just hard. Trying to teach them what is right and what is wrong. That is why, sometimes I do feel like I am a monster than a mother expecially when I shout at them.
Friday, December 25, 2009
I take that as a compliment
Since I was a child. My family members love to tell me that I was fat. Even when I was not even reach 20kgs when I was 7 years old. At that time my height was around 100cm.
When I was a teenager, the same kind of remarks are like beautiful + lousy songs to my ears. Sometimes it hurts sometimes, I just couldn't be bothered. When I was sweet 16, my height was 155cm and my weight was around 38kg. Still my family just love to tell me that I was fat and look ridiculous.
I am not sure, is it because I just ignore them or because I was an easy target. I did cry a few times. (give me a break, I was a teenager) but after a while I just stop from feeling anything on what they have said.
I stop thinking and feeling or even hurt when I became an anaroxic. The year was 1997. I was in Melbourne furthering my study. Most of my friends starting to realized the problem that I was facing. And as usual, I denied everything. My mum, my eldest brother with her wife came to Melbourne when the doctor told them to come. But when they came, I was out of the hospital and the doctor were not able to talk to my mum or my brother and of course I did not give the message from the doctor to contact him. What can I say, because of the eating disorder, my brain did not get enough food, so... I just can't remember the message that I was suppose to tell them. But I did remember to run to the telephone every time it rang as I was scared that the doctor's office might call my place.
The reason why I stop feeling, thinking or even hurt when they said that I was, am or really fat is because at my condition of having an eating disorder which most of the people around me do realized my condition ( they do not need a doctor to tell them my situation), my mum and my brother told me that I was fat. huahahahahaha!!! That is when I do not bother anymore. I stopped from being an anaroxic. It was really a waste of energy and time.
Just after I gave birth to my first child, on the Hari Raya (eid'Fitri), I went to visit my aunt's family. I wasn't sure how to react or what to do. The whole time I was there, the whole family except for my aunty was keep on telling me that I was fat. FYI they also said that I was fat when I was a child. So... I really wasn't sure how to react because I thought I should feel offended, I was not. Hurt? Nope. So, I just put a smile on my face and move on with my life.
Lately, just after I gave birth to my third child, my mum keep on telling me that I was too fat already. In English it would be that I look huge. Okay... I am no longer wearing small size. Medium size depends on the brand but large, is comfy to me. At this point, my weight is around 55kg to 57kg. I am not in obese category but I was bigger than when I was pre firstpregnancy time. On my wedding day, I was 48kg. So I gain 7 kg - 10kg. The thing is... I am happy.
But do my family see all that... I don't think so. I am not sure what they really see when they look at me. I went back to my parent's place last week. I was wearing this old baggy blouse. It was given by my mum-in-law. (I am such a sucker I do wear whatever she gave me. So sue me)
Actually, it is made of cotton amd comfortable for travelling. That was the real reason I wore that blouse on that day. But as I arrived, my sister and my father was at the living room waiting for us and the first thing my father said that I look like my cousin who is staying Perak now. Her name is Masitah Harun.
I call her Kak Itah. Yup, she is a plum lady but she has the most beautiful heart in this whole world. She took care of my mum and dad when they do not have a place to stay while they were there. She cook for them and clean after them. Whatever my parents want, she will try to get for them. Anything and everything. If my dad said that I look like her... I take that as a compliment. Probably my dad and family feel that my Kak Itah is fat so she is in not so beautiful category... to me... I still take that as a compliment as I was said to look like her.
When I was a teenager, the same kind of remarks are like beautiful + lousy songs to my ears. Sometimes it hurts sometimes, I just couldn't be bothered. When I was sweet 16, my height was 155cm and my weight was around 38kg. Still my family just love to tell me that I was fat and look ridiculous.
I am not sure, is it because I just ignore them or because I was an easy target. I did cry a few times. (give me a break, I was a teenager) but after a while I just stop from feeling anything on what they have said.
I stop thinking and feeling or even hurt when I became an anaroxic. The year was 1997. I was in Melbourne furthering my study. Most of my friends starting to realized the problem that I was facing. And as usual, I denied everything. My mum, my eldest brother with her wife came to Melbourne when the doctor told them to come. But when they came, I was out of the hospital and the doctor were not able to talk to my mum or my brother and of course I did not give the message from the doctor to contact him. What can I say, because of the eating disorder, my brain did not get enough food, so... I just can't remember the message that I was suppose to tell them. But I did remember to run to the telephone every time it rang as I was scared that the doctor's office might call my place.
The reason why I stop feeling, thinking or even hurt when they said that I was, am or really fat is because at my condition of having an eating disorder which most of the people around me do realized my condition ( they do not need a doctor to tell them my situation), my mum and my brother told me that I was fat. huahahahahaha!!! That is when I do not bother anymore. I stopped from being an anaroxic. It was really a waste of energy and time.
Just after I gave birth to my first child, on the Hari Raya (eid'Fitri), I went to visit my aunt's family. I wasn't sure how to react or what to do. The whole time I was there, the whole family except for my aunty was keep on telling me that I was fat. FYI they also said that I was fat when I was a child. So... I really wasn't sure how to react because I thought I should feel offended, I was not. Hurt? Nope. So, I just put a smile on my face and move on with my life.
Lately, just after I gave birth to my third child, my mum keep on telling me that I was too fat already. In English it would be that I look huge. Okay... I am no longer wearing small size. Medium size depends on the brand but large, is comfy to me. At this point, my weight is around 55kg to 57kg. I am not in obese category but I was bigger than when I was pre firstpregnancy time. On my wedding day, I was 48kg. So I gain 7 kg - 10kg. The thing is... I am happy.
But do my family see all that... I don't think so. I am not sure what they really see when they look at me. I went back to my parent's place last week. I was wearing this old baggy blouse. It was given by my mum-in-law. (I am such a sucker I do wear whatever she gave me. So sue me)
Actually, it is made of cotton amd comfortable for travelling. That was the real reason I wore that blouse on that day. But as I arrived, my sister and my father was at the living room waiting for us and the first thing my father said that I look like my cousin who is staying Perak now. Her name is Masitah Harun.
I call her Kak Itah. Yup, she is a plum lady but she has the most beautiful heart in this whole world. She took care of my mum and dad when they do not have a place to stay while they were there. She cook for them and clean after them. Whatever my parents want, she will try to get for them. Anything and everything. If my dad said that I look like her... I take that as a compliment. Probably my dad and family feel that my Kak Itah is fat so she is in not so beautiful category... to me... I still take that as a compliment as I was said to look like her.
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