Ramadan buffet

 Here we go again.

All these years, while i was married, any buffet we attended woth my family, any dinner, lunch, any eating... My ex never paid or share pay the meal with my siblings.. It has always been, only my three older siblings that share and pay. That is as far as i know. He paid for our lunch once. In 2020? I think. That was the shock that i got. When i already has no feelings towards him.

Anyway.. Since last year.. Ramadan, it has been about, who will pay for my kids and i meal if we go out for Ramadan buffet. And this year, its the same. Again... Who is paying for our meal.. Yeah!! Its expensive. I surely cant afford it. But, they make it clear, that i have become a burden because i am no lobger with a husband. Not because he used to pay for our meal and now he is not.

Life.. Is funny like that.. 

Being a divorced, suddenly, i am a burden. 

Self love my ass

Until today, at this point of time, my self love, is really going down the drain. My confident level, sucks most of the time. 

I do believe, i am meant to be alone, i am just no one. I do what i do, thats all to it. And live my life. 

Look, there are times, i eat one time a day. To make sure there are enough for my children. Yeah... They are literally can take care of themselves, but.. I am still their mother. So.. Shut up. I am being a mother now. It sucks to be poor and not having enough. Thats all i can say. 

I ask for prayers. So that i can rent or buy cash for a bigger house, so that i dont need to hide when i want to cry. Now, i can only cry, when they are asleep or i was in the bathroom. 

A lot of reasons to cry. Not enough for food, not enough to pay for child's psychologist, not enough to pay the rent and bills. Struggling very much. But still surviving. 

May Allah grant me rezeki that is more than enough. Aameen... 

 

They decided

 Discussed with my children today. How are we going about them and their father. The one that dont want to meet the father are the girls. My son, he is ok. Not really favourable to be around him, but he is ok if he has to meet him.

They said no, for him to know where we are staying.

They said no, for him to meet them.

They said no to even when the brother asked them to just make a video call. To tell their father that it is them who dont want to meet not influenced by me. The mama.

To them, it is not they never told him. They have, but he still chose to indicate that the mama asked them to.

My children are not stupid. They made their decisions, they have decided long before i knew what was happening. So.. Pray hard for me. Will be meeting him soon with my brother.

#MamaLivingHerLife #ToxicRelationships 

Mother's Day

 Mothers day, the original of Mother's Day, ia from every where any where. We have no idea which is real and which is the original.

I do like one version though

In the old days, boys, very very young boys, in England and some European countries, they have to be away from their family, especially their mum and they could only come back to their families once a year. So, on their walk, going back to their mums, they will pick wild flowers to give to their mums. And their mums usually cook and hug and cuddle them as they were still very young. As young as 5 and 6 years old.

It has become a yearly event and thats how Mother's Day begun.

Aa for me. Its the day, i dont want to do anything as a mother. Wakakakaka!!!