Ramadan buffet

 Here we go again.

All these years, while i was married, any buffet we attended woth my family, any dinner, lunch, any eating... My ex never paid or share pay the meal with my siblings.. It has always been, only my three older siblings that share and pay. That is as far as i know. He paid for our lunch once. In 2020? I think. That was the shock that i got. When i already has no feelings towards him.

Anyway.. Since last year.. Ramadan, it has been about, who will pay for my kids and i meal if we go out for Ramadan buffet. And this year, its the same. Again... Who is paying for our meal.. Yeah!! Its expensive. I surely cant afford it. But, they make it clear, that i have become a burden because i am no lobger with a husband. Not because he used to pay for our meal and now he is not.

Life.. Is funny like that.. 

Being a divorced, suddenly, i am a burden. 

Mother's Day

 Mothers day, the original of Mother's Day, ia from every where any where. We have no idea which is real and which is the original.

I do like one version though

In the old days, boys, very very young boys, in England and some European countries, they have to be away from their family, especially their mum and they could only come back to their families once a year. So, on their walk, going back to their mums, they will pick wild flowers to give to their mums. And their mums usually cook and hug and cuddle them as they were still very young. As young as 5 and 6 years old.

It has become a yearly event and thats how Mother's Day begun.

Aa for me. Its the day, i dont want to do anything as a mother. Wakakakaka!!! 

Same situation

Wednesday.. I wish that i will get my talaq. Get it over and done with. And move on. Oh well.. I am not sure how it will turn out. I have seen his delay tactics. And many falls for it. And i think, my brother included.

Lets make it this way. Even if he didnt say his talaq to me. It is not going to change anything on me or my kids. We are still living our lives. A little struggle here and there. But, we are happier. 

Him? Happy, not happy? I really dont care. He put himself in this situation and trying ti make me look bad. But telling people i make him loom bad. Up to you. Even if i dont get the talaq. That does not mean, there will be changes. Maybe some changes.. But it has nothing to Amran. In reality, he is already my ex. Aameen.

Longing

Never really told anyone about my family problem. But, this girl that my daughter was hugging, her mother saw it from my daughter's action. When the look of longing. For a father. When her friend has a father that is not by blood to be with, to hug, to kiss and to be a daughter. The look that haunted her friend's mum till this very day. 

I dont teach my daughter to have that look. Its from her heart.. How that, when i learned about that, it makes me so sad. How is it that she has a father but she is not comfortable to feel and love him as a father. 

Stop blaming me. This is the reality. It sucks. But it is real. 

 

My choice for today

What are my choices. Be with my child or be with my mum. My mum has 4 children, 3 with her except for me. 

My daughter on the other hand, has only 1 mom. 

I have to choose to be with her. Consequences that i have to take. 

 

Crying helps?

 I am not really s person who cries even for out of happiness snd worse..l wish i cry more now. Seriously. It may be the reason Allah is not answering my prayers. Because I coukd still handle whatever i am facing. 

My mum is not well. She has been in the hospital. There were water coming out from her skin. Because too much water under her skin. Dialysis.. She only manage to do not as long as 4 hours it seems. That is why. A lot of water in her body. I cant go and see my mun. I have to do whats inportant now.

I got the IPO this afternoon. Not sure how long it will last. But at least.. Better than nothing. Working on all of this. It hurts so bad. How did i get here. Doing all this. I have to protect my children. My emak would want me to do that. She wont be happy if i dont protect my children. They are still so young..

It sucks to be me right now. 

Lies to save yourself

 Trying so hard to make me look bad, and aa though you still care?

Enough is enough. I am exhausted to even just to smile, nod and let go.

Knowledge is power

 Today, i can see why, my soon to be ex husband chose that lawyer to be his lawyer. As I learned that the lawyer's office is like in Kajang or somewhere there. 

They have the same way of thinking. It may not seem obvious but I saw it when he tried to threaten me with nusyuz. Lucky for him, I have a lawyer and I know my rights.

Please ya lawyers. Even though you are representing your client, you are still answering to Allah. Fear Allah please. This morning it is not that he didn't know that I have a lawyer representing me. but he tried. He shove the nusyuz fear to me. 

Get this... Do you really believe Allah will continue let me be bullied and abused? and after all that, putting and giving me all the courage to actually love myself and stand up for myself, I am condemn to hell for sure for being nusyuz? Are you bloody sure we have the same God? My God is Allah.. who is yours? As a syariah lawyer, you should have fear of Allah. You  do have the knowledge of Islamic Law. 

My guess is now, ,thats why many women got defeated with our Syariah system because rhey dont have the knowledge. Even my own sibling was trying to make me tebus talak when I know my rights. yup.. she tried. 

Taking care of myself and my children is not wrong. We away from their father is self care. Get that... Nusyuz or not, Allah wont want me to harm myself or my children, You.. Mr Lawyer obviously do not know anything about what Allah can do to assholes like you for threatening a woman like me.

Who to choose?

If you are given two choices between your children and someone else. Who would you choose?

1. Between your husband and your children?

My Children

2. Between your parents and your chidren?

My Children

3. Between your siblings and your children?

My Children

4. Between your work and your children?

My children

5. Between money and your children?

My Children

I hope this answers your questions. Without even blinking, this is my answer. 

 

My kids..

One thing that what my mum taught us right is, is about loving and taking care of our children. 

Thats why, i just cant accept when someone told me there are other people more important than my children. I should not be with my children. And when they cant make me leave my children, they try to make me believe that i was a crazy and horrible mother. Crazy in the sense that as though I am crazy and teach my children wrong. 

Please do not under estimate own children especially with the vast  knowledge that they can get at their finger tips. And the way they think and dont even think they can be easily persuaded. Nope... Not kids nowadays... 

So.. the one that said I was the one who put ideas into my kids head. Helloooo... I am that awesome that I can teach one of them to be ADHD? 

Kids giving and telling whats in their mind. Just because it does not suit your  mind.. that does not mean it is wrong and make them a bad person. 

I still on my children's side. Because they have only one mother,

ADHD daughter of mine and us

 Finding out my daughter is ADHD, was huge to me. Here mood swing, her attitude, her track of mind. all make sense when she was diagnose as a person with ADHD.

She was brought up like any normal child. At least that's how i believe any kids suppose to. I am not a perfect parent. But I do try my best. I do very much love all my children.

Knowing the reasons of her actions as she was growing up. her extra sensitiveness it finally make sense. And after learning and knowing that fact, i did all kinds of research to rope the brother and sister in and get them into the same boat. 

It is not about understanding her. It is about being with her and continue to love her even how screw up she makes us feel and she herself feels most of the time. Be with her and don't even bother trying to figure out what the hell is in her mind. or heart or brain or whatever part of her body that she is using to think and feel at the moment. 

Now, here I am with my three children. One of them is ADHD. The four us doing our best. The learning  and discovering. That is on going... We pray hard... very very hard, the love that we have for each other. Just the four us and it is fine.

\

My son, Nuh Shahmi

 My son. Nuh Shahmi. The eldest of my children. The most kind person that I ever know. His heart is beautiful. Not because I am his mother, because this is the truth.

He is very vulnerable as he can easily be influenced by people around him, in attitude and a lot of thing.

When he was six, I found out that he is slow in learning. Very slow to some people that it irritates them. When the first time i found about his slowness, I told my husband and his family. My mum and my sister. Out of all, the only that got what I was saying was my mum. Every time I went back to her place, one of the few things she will ask is, "How is Nuh's progress?" "Are you okay in handling him?". "Bersabar.... dapat anak macam ni, maknya yang kena sabar banyak. Yana boleh sabarkan?".

Yes.. My mum was the only who understand.

My son is a bully victim, not only in school but also outside the school. His cousins do not understand him. When they ask their mothers why is Nuh can't understand what they are saying, they said "Aunty Yana tak reti ajar anak. Selalu spoon feed anak dia. Sebab tu anak dia macam tu." Sedih when I heard that. They refuse to understand my son's situation. They rather blame me and my husband.

Nuh Shahmi somehow very hardworking. He knows why I want him to be in the first or second class. So that he does not make friends with kids that is not only not smart but also naughty. (Yeah.. I am being generalised) Did I push him?No! But I do encourage him and make him understand my reasons. Because of that, he study really hard. Harder than other normal kids as he is slow in learning.

I love him no matter what. He is going to sit for his UPSR this year. I do not expect him to get 5As. Whatever he is going to get... I will still love him with all my heart...

Horse patrol

One morning, my sis-in-law took two of my bigger children for a walk at the park. My poor baby wanted to follow but of course, my sis-in-law don't want to bring her along as she do not know how to take care of 3 kids at one time especially at an open place.

My baby girl cry and cry and luckily, two patrol horses came by... thanks to them, my little stop crying. I was so happy.. thanks guys... you were a lot of help...

Daddy's little girl

This little girl... love to sleep in her daddy's arm. Daddy's little girl.

My youngest daughter....

This is my youngest daughter. She always have new idea to do something to entertain herself.

I was afraid that the two rattan chairs will actually fall on her or something.

But she is so not stopping. She was actually enjoying the moment when her feet was up not on the floor.
Yup... after a few minutes... she is still not stopping. In fact she adjusted the two chairs to make it more easier for her to do exactly what she was doing.
Finally... the best position for her to play and play and play.