Ramadan buffet

 Here we go again.

All these years, while i was married, any buffet we attended woth my family, any dinner, lunch, any eating... My ex never paid or share pay the meal with my siblings.. It has always been, only my three older siblings that share and pay. That is as far as i know. He paid for our lunch once. In 2020? I think. That was the shock that i got. When i already has no feelings towards him.

Anyway.. Since last year.. Ramadan, it has been about, who will pay for my kids and i meal if we go out for Ramadan buffet. And this year, its the same. Again... Who is paying for our meal.. Yeah!! Its expensive. I surely cant afford it. But, they make it clear, that i have become a burden because i am no lobger with a husband. Not because he used to pay for our meal and now he is not.

Life.. Is funny like that.. 

Being a divorced, suddenly, i am a burden. 

Same situation

Wednesday.. I wish that i will get my talaq. Get it over and done with. And move on. Oh well.. I am not sure how it will turn out. I have seen his delay tactics. And many falls for it. And i think, my brother included.

Lets make it this way. Even if he didnt say his talaq to me. It is not going to change anything on me or my kids. We are still living our lives. A little struggle here and there. But, we are happier. 

Him? Happy, not happy? I really dont care. He put himself in this situation and trying ti make me look bad. But telling people i make him loom bad. Up to you. Even if i dont get the talaq. That does not mean, there will be changes. Maybe some changes.. But it has nothing to Amran. In reality, he is already my ex. Aameen.

Longing

Never really told anyone about my family problem. But, this girl that my daughter was hugging, her mother saw it from my daughter's action. When the look of longing. For a father. When her friend has a father that is not by blood to be with, to hug, to kiss and to be a daughter. The look that haunted her friend's mum till this very day. 

I dont teach my daughter to have that look. Its from her heart.. How that, when i learned about that, it makes me so sad. How is it that she has a father but she is not comfortable to feel and love him as a father. 

Stop blaming me. This is the reality. It sucks. But it is real. 

 

Mak left us.

 Mak finally at her final resting place. As her child, it is.never enough with what i have done for her. I will never feel the satisfaction. Whatever she wanted to eat.. She has eaten. Whatever she wanted to do or go, my siblings has done for her.

My duty now is to recite yassin and al-Quran to her, be a much better person so that her life here after is beautiful. Beg for Allah to have mercy on her so that she will go into Jannahtul Firdaus without hisab. Her sadaqah.. On her behalf.. Cannot stop. Have to remind my children too.

I love you mak. No matter what people said. I love you. I may not show much.. But i do. 

My choice for today

What are my choices. Be with my child or be with my mum. My mum has 4 children, 3 with her except for me. 

My daughter on the other hand, has only 1 mom. 

I have to choose to be with her. Consequences that i have to take. 

 

Crying helps?

 I am not really s person who cries even for out of happiness snd worse..l wish i cry more now. Seriously. It may be the reason Allah is not answering my prayers. Because I coukd still handle whatever i am facing. 

My mum is not well. She has been in the hospital. There were water coming out from her skin. Because too much water under her skin. Dialysis.. She only manage to do not as long as 4 hours it seems. That is why. A lot of water in her body. I cant go and see my mun. I have to do whats inportant now.

I got the IPO this afternoon. Not sure how long it will last. But at least.. Better than nothing. Working on all of this. It hurts so bad. How did i get here. Doing all this. I have to protect my children. My emak would want me to do that. She wont be happy if i dont protect my children. They are still so young..

It sucks to be me right now. 

Lies to save yourself

 Trying so hard to make me look bad, and aa though you still care?

Enough is enough. I am exhausted to even just to smile, nod and let go.

No man no worries

 Growing up, i am more listening to my paternal Grandma. My nenek. She went through war with thr Japanese, hardship of being poor even though she was basically a daughter of a respected man and married to at that time, it was considered as big as not many of locals became a magistrate. That was my paternal Grandma. My Tok Ki.

Almost every weekend, my cousins, aunties and uncles will be at my parents house because my nenek was there. I see how she brush off anything that not to her liking. She smile, she laugh and she got hurt too. But she took everything gracefully. She was never bitter. She just let everything flow and go. 

I believe, thats why, i am too positive. Thats how i was described but my friends and children. Of course, i went through hurt snd happiness. Whatever it was, i still smile. Not only on social media. But, anytime.. Will still smile. I was told that i need to feel the hurt.. I do. It is not that i dont. It is just that. I let hurt sink into my every part ofy body and soul and then, tomorrow is a new beginning. It is as simple as that to me. 

Yeah... At the back of my mind, i see my grandma aka nenek in me. No husband? No worries. Even though in my case, i have to get myself out of the marriage and my soin to be ex away from my children. At least for the time being. My children, they need to heal. I pray that he could understand the damages that he has done. Yes, i know, he said it was ne who did it. Say whatever hr wants. Whats important is the reality.

Early Riser for a reason

 When all other mothers were up early every morning to make sure breakfast is ready, house is clean, and do whatever work before the kids are up. It has always been different for me. 

I don't prepare breakfast. Time to time,,, yeah. But most of the time, my kids eat the cereal or the most, i do something with eggs and they eat them. well, up to them. Whatever they want to make with the eggs. Or even the prefer to do something else, it is still okay.

Morning, is my time. I play games on my phone, or watch some videos from  YouTube or read some books. Dont get to finish them anymore because I am always busy during the day. Cooking, doing works for the NGO that I am in. yeah... doing anything and everything for others. Now, school has not started. Because of the pandemic. My  duty to send and pick up, not happening at moment.

I don't cry, but I did this morning. I cried hard. Alone. Something that I do quite a lot lately. Why did I cry this morning?

I have done everything that is in and out of my ability to protect myself and children. We are away, hiding. But, we are still stuck.

Doctors, change of medicine.. Happier environment. Still, her meltdown is out of mine or anyone's control. 

My other daughters is still 

Thinking positive has been my life... Maybe I should start thinking negatively. Maybe I don't get stuck anymore. If I think and believe the opposite way. Seriously.. I am just tired of the reason I am stuck because someone just not letting me go. I don't like blaming others. So still keep on telling myself, I let him do this to me. It was my fault., Now.. it is all getting back at me. With all this in my head. I cried hard this morning. Alone. and I don't cry just because, I just don't. Afraid? Maybe... 

How many times that I cried, the man that suppose to be my protector let me cry but then make it , it was my stupidity and mengada-ngada that I cried. All my adult life...thats why i dont cry anymore. Cry hurts me worst.

So.. me waking up early daily, I might have to add crying alone as part of my schedule. Since it does make me feel better. not great, just better. hmmm... Not liking it.. I dont want to cry for a good reason. I want to feel happy because of real happiness. Please...

Relationships Quotes and me

 By the time you swear you are his

Shivering and sighing

and he vows his passion is infinite,

undying

Lady make note of this

One of you is lying

- Sherryl Woods , Chesapeake Shores 

One of us were lying. If not, we wont be here, where we are. It sucks, I even feel so much regrets, but that is not going to change the fact, what I am feeling now. 

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.
― Henry Rollins, The Portable Henry Rollins

Holding on for something that I believed worth holding on for. But affecting my children in a bad way. Was not what I expected at all. And now, trying to fix the damages that I have let happened for years. Not easy at all.

It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party.
― Nick Hornby

From beginning. Believing that being different is going to keep the relationships interesting. I was so bloody wrong. Especially only one side wanted to learn of the other side. Who would that be?

Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”
― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City

Yeah... having friends, girlfriends helped me a lot. they keep me sane.

Family

I have seen many cases of mothers, wives that been beaten by their husbands, boyfriends and such. who do the need to ask for help?

Often, tehy asked from NGOs like mine for help. Sometimes, they are just so far away, I had to ask. DOnt you have any family members that you can turn to? The hesitation... kills me all the time. 

Sah sah, datang dari perut yang sama, sebab tu la dipanggil adik-beradik. Sah sah sperm tu la yang jadinya wanita ini sebagai manusia di muka bumi ini, but most of the time, these women dont turn to these men that suppose to be their protector.

Even when I did called these men to help their sister or daughter. The answer always.. "kami tak nak masuk campur. Rumahtangga dia, tak patut kot kami masuk campur." 

Kepala hotak kau!!!

The responsibility of brothers and fathers never stop once your sister got married lah. It continues. In fact, as a brother and father of the wife, you are suppose to visit them from time to time at their home. One reason is, when you visit your sister's family, she dont need to wear tudung to cover her hair and body. She can be more at ease. 

The simplest reason. where the brothe and father is responsible to theur sister and daughter. Until she die.. it is all in the Quran and Sunnah. Learn that..

ADHD daughter of mine and us

 Finding out my daughter is ADHD, was huge to me. Here mood swing, her attitude, her track of mind. all make sense when she was diagnose as a person with ADHD.

She was brought up like any normal child. At least that's how i believe any kids suppose to. I am not a perfect parent. But I do try my best. I do very much love all my children.

Knowing the reasons of her actions as she was growing up. her extra sensitiveness it finally make sense. And after learning and knowing that fact, i did all kinds of research to rope the brother and sister in and get them into the same boat. 

It is not about understanding her. It is about being with her and continue to love her even how screw up she makes us feel and she herself feels most of the time. Be with her and don't even bother trying to figure out what the hell is in her mind. or heart or brain or whatever part of her body that she is using to think and feel at the moment. 

Now, here I am with my three children. One of them is ADHD. The four us doing our best. The learning  and discovering. That is on going... We pray hard... very very hard, the love that we have for each other. Just the four us and it is fine.

\

Protecting myself

Sometimes, a smiling face tired of smiling. It is not easy to smile all the time. Smile is easy but at the same time, it is hard to do when you dont feel like smiling.

Yesterday, is one of those days that I just cant keep on smiling.

About a month ago, I bought a new wheelchair for my mum. Since that hers rosak.Brought it back to her. As I took it back.There were no manual on using it.  We were not able to figure out how to put the wheelchair on a brake. Because I have bought it for some time, I was not able to return it. Just told my parents to use however you can while I figure out what to do.

My sis called me and told me that I should not buy cheap stuff or as she said "china" stuff. She is going to buy a new one. I said go ahead. What I saw in the catalogue that was the only one that follows as what my parents wanted.

Yesterday, she brought back exactly the same as the one that I bought that is so called China made. And learned how to put the wheelchair on a brake. Weird? yup.. it is to me.

Well... what hurt me so much is, my father called me and asked me to take back the one that I bought because they want to use the one that my sis bought. Yup.. mine has no value to them, even though with much happiness explaning to me that the one that my sis bought was actually the same as what I bought. But, they prefer to use my sister's. Not mine.

This is not the first time. This is not the only story. My heart has been broken many times that it is time for me to protect my own heart now. I have enough.

Life goes on. I have to move on. Sad.. of course.. But protecting myself is more important now. I dont have the time to feel sad like this. Smiling face is on...

It

It

Over and over again you break it
Over and over again you stomp on it
Over and over again you cherish it
when you are in the mood
Over and over again you ignore it
Over and over again you lie to it
Over and over again you love it
When you feel like loving it
Over and over again, so now
It became hard
It became cold
It became lifeless
It became ignorant
It became immune
It became empty
It became care less
It is my heart

MLN

What a day...?

Earlier  in December when I was told that my son was not accepted to a sekolah kawalan that is SMK Sri Hartamas, in a way, I was relief. So, he is going to SMK TTDI. Easy for me to manage my time with all my three kids in school.

Today, his teacher told me that he got the letter that my son is going to SMK Victoria aka Victoria Institution. What? That is far...!!!

I went for a drive, to find out where exactly is this school. Oh man!! In the middle of the city.

I think, my blood pressure went sky high today, thinking of the best way for him. I was jammed the whole  day. Stressful... And all other things that was happening (a different blog perhaps) was so not helping. I was crying inside. Not knowing what to do.

There is no transportation from where I stay to VI and back except for bus. Many suggested hostels but they have no idea how my son is. I was jammed.

But, today, Amran told me to go shopping for the flood victims in Pantai Timur. Yeah! That makes my day. I got to spend money.. huge amount and it was all worth it...

Later during distribution for our street friends, few ideas came in. Yeah! It is always like that, when I have a lot of things to do, idea will just barge in.

Somehow, I see the light for me to go through next year.. Pray for me please. I pray that all we go well. Amiin...

Buat baik di balas baik ke?

There was once, I helped a family member of my husband to the extend that I get as many help as I could. To me, he needed help, I am able to help so I helped. Yes, I know that he did asked me to help him and his family but it was voluntarily. They needed help, so I helped. That was all.

But they sometimes talk about the whole thing but they exclude me. Yup, after all the help that I could get which inclusive of free lodging in London for almost three weeks, asking my father's and my brother's friends to be there for the family, and few small other kind of help, please don't try to make as though it was your relative who did everything. That just bad. I know after that, a few of your relative and 'orang kampung' who is a big shot in government started to help emotionally and as well as physically. But, they are putting it as though I did not play a role at all. I do feel sad. I got a heart okay.

At one point, my husband even said that if my brothers and sister ask for help, it is not important and he doesn't really need to help. If parents, he will help. Only to that extend. I could see where my husband got that kind of attitude. I saw it as a whole. Sampainya hati.

No dictation please.

Today, I have upset the whole evening. Why oh why? At first I did not realized why, but when my husband got back from work, he could see that I had a lot on my mind. Finally he managed to crack me open.

This afternoon, my mum called me. something has happened where one of my siblings has made a remark that she doesn't like to hear. I was able to understand here reasons of being upset. she told me her stories and a lot other things. Well, that is my relationship with my mum. She tells me her stories, and i just say hmm and nod at the same time. No comments, no feedback, nothing at all. I just let her talk and talk.

Well, this afternoon, she was telling me stories as usual and I was listening, as usual. But somewhere in the middle of the conversation, she started telling me what to say if a certain situation arises. Basically if I saw any of my friends' partner, spouse is cheating, I do not tell my friend. I am not allowed to say anything because it won't be good for me. I was suppose to follow exactly what she said, because she said so.

The thing is, what my mum do not know about me is, I'd rather lose my friends than doing the wrong thing by keeping the secret of cheating husband or wife from my friends. I did all this before, and of course with evidence (nowadays, handphone mostly got camera, so take pictures as evidence). Yes, i did lose their friendship at the beginning, but when they no more in denial, they became my friends again.

This is me. My mum should not even try to dictate me now any longer. I am who I am. But she did this afternoon. That was the reason I was upset the whole evening. hmmm.... i am 33. it is not that my mum cannot give me advice. Advice is different from dictating. I am what I am. am just different from most people. Only a few people who knows me as I am.

33 today...!!!

I am 33 today... What have I done in my life? Nothing much.

I am not big shot in big company that manage thousands of people. Be good and sometimes pretend to be somebody else for the sake of the company. Dress up every morning to go to work and put on a happy face or boss face or something. There's always deadline and someone's throat you want to strangle or someone else try to strangle yours. I am a housewife that, I get up every morning, try to wake my husband and my children up for work and school. Get their breakfast ready and get them ready. Once they are gone to work or school, I am so free to do whatever I want.

In the evening, I am the driver for my kids. For Islamic classes to ballet classes. Tiring.... then cooking time. Wow!! Sound so simple but in actual fact is, it is so tiring.

Anyway... I realized that I am happier now, than before. When I was a working mother, I always got frustrated in so many things. I had to deal with so many kind of people. It is not that I do not care about them, but, they are still just people that come and go in my life, my family is a lot more than that. My guess is, that is why I am much happier now.