Ramadan buffet

 Here we go again.

All these years, while i was married, any buffet we attended woth my family, any dinner, lunch, any eating... My ex never paid or share pay the meal with my siblings.. It has always been, only my three older siblings that share and pay. That is as far as i know. He paid for our lunch once. In 2020? I think. That was the shock that i got. When i already has no feelings towards him.

Anyway.. Since last year.. Ramadan, it has been about, who will pay for my kids and i meal if we go out for Ramadan buffet. And this year, its the same. Again... Who is paying for our meal.. Yeah!! Its expensive. I surely cant afford it. But, they make it clear, that i have become a burden because i am no lobger with a husband. Not because he used to pay for our meal and now he is not.

Life.. Is funny like that.. 

Being a divorced, suddenly, i am a burden. 

Same situation

Wednesday.. I wish that i will get my talaq. Get it over and done with. And move on. Oh well.. I am not sure how it will turn out. I have seen his delay tactics. And many falls for it. And i think, my brother included.

Lets make it this way. Even if he didnt say his talaq to me. It is not going to change anything on me or my kids. We are still living our lives. A little struggle here and there. But, we are happier. 

Him? Happy, not happy? I really dont care. He put himself in this situation and trying ti make me look bad. But telling people i make him loom bad. Up to you. Even if i dont get the talaq. That does not mean, there will be changes. Maybe some changes.. But it has nothing to Amran. In reality, he is already my ex. Aameen.

Not perfect

Flaws everywhere. From the face to the heart. No kidding. 

I just doing nice things to people to animal to anything. And because of that, i was told that i am a bad person. Over sangat.. Hmm.. 

This is for you suckers. I love what i am doing. I dont feel its beban. I am bloody good at what i am doing. If you think that is just my ego. So be it. If you think i look for fame.. Almost ten years doing this. Tak femes pun. If you think i am not taking care of myself. I dont look that ugly.. I take my bath daily, do my beauty routine daily, eat my vitamins, eat too well actually and aming other things. So back off suckers. You cant do what i do. Jangan nak kecoh and tunjuk jeles tu sangat boleh? 

Laters baby. Wakakakaka!!! 

 

Mak left us.

 Mak finally at her final resting place. As her child, it is.never enough with what i have done for her. I will never feel the satisfaction. Whatever she wanted to eat.. She has eaten. Whatever she wanted to do or go, my siblings has done for her.

My duty now is to recite yassin and al-Quran to her, be a much better person so that her life here after is beautiful. Beg for Allah to have mercy on her so that she will go into Jannahtul Firdaus without hisab. Her sadaqah.. On her behalf.. Cannot stop. Have to remind my children too.

I love you mak. No matter what people said. I love you. I may not show much.. But i do. 

My choice for today

What are my choices. Be with my child or be with my mum. My mum has 4 children, 3 with her except for me. 

My daughter on the other hand, has only 1 mom. 

I have to choose to be with her. Consequences that i have to take. 

 

Not my job

 https://youtu.be/ESpM_qOU_Ak

I have not really watch Crazy Rich Asian until my daughter showed me this scene.

Yup.. It is not a woman's job to mske the husband more manly and more husbandly. 

Crying helps?

 I am not really s person who cries even for out of happiness snd worse..l wish i cry more now. Seriously. It may be the reason Allah is not answering my prayers. Because I coukd still handle whatever i am facing. 

My mum is not well. She has been in the hospital. There were water coming out from her skin. Because too much water under her skin. Dialysis.. She only manage to do not as long as 4 hours it seems. That is why. A lot of water in her body. I cant go and see my mun. I have to do whats inportant now.

I got the IPO this afternoon. Not sure how long it will last. But at least.. Better than nothing. Working on all of this. It hurts so bad. How did i get here. Doing all this. I have to protect my children. My emak would want me to do that. She wont be happy if i dont protect my children. They are still so young..

It sucks to be me right now. 

No man no worries

 Growing up, i am more listening to my paternal Grandma. My nenek. She went through war with thr Japanese, hardship of being poor even though she was basically a daughter of a respected man and married to at that time, it was considered as big as not many of locals became a magistrate. That was my paternal Grandma. My Tok Ki.

Almost every weekend, my cousins, aunties and uncles will be at my parents house because my nenek was there. I see how she brush off anything that not to her liking. She smile, she laugh and she got hurt too. But she took everything gracefully. She was never bitter. She just let everything flow and go. 

I believe, thats why, i am too positive. Thats how i was described but my friends and children. Of course, i went through hurt snd happiness. Whatever it was, i still smile. Not only on social media. But, anytime.. Will still smile. I was told that i need to feel the hurt.. I do. It is not that i dont. It is just that. I let hurt sink into my every part ofy body and soul and then, tomorrow is a new beginning. It is as simple as that to me. 

Yeah... At the back of my mind, i see my grandma aka nenek in me. No husband? No worries. Even though in my case, i have to get myself out of the marriage and my soin to be ex away from my children. At least for the time being. My children, they need to heal. I pray that he could understand the damages that he has done. Yes, i know, he said it was ne who did it. Say whatever hr wants. Whats important is the reality.

Who to choose?

If you are given two choices between your children and someone else. Who would you choose?

1. Between your husband and your children?

My Children

2. Between your parents and your chidren?

My Children

3. Between your siblings and your children?

My Children

4. Between your work and your children?

My children

5. Between money and your children?

My Children

I hope this answers your questions. Without even blinking, this is my answer. 

 

Meltdown for ADHD daughter

 Do I understand why? Nope

Do I know the reason of the meltdown? Nope

Should I even ask? Nope

Then, what should I do?

Wait and be there patiently and keep my mouth shut. In short, don't even try to sweet talk and rationalise anything of her condition and situation. 

Feed her. When it is time to eat. Still, don't say a word. Just feed her if I have to and or wait if she can eat on her own. Simple food, make anything complicated. Done eating let her on her own and juts check on her time to time. Oh! Don't forget to kiss and hug her time to time. 

If she has medicine make sure she takes her medicine. and make sure we hide them well. As they tend to overdose as that is the only way they know that whatever in their head will stop or just becomes better and clearer. or maybe anything else. I don't know. but yes... just be there.

I am no expert but this is so far helps with my daughter's meltdown. She is 17 the day after tomorrow. But she is still my baby girl.

Family

I have seen many cases of mothers, wives that been beaten by their husbands, boyfriends and such. who do the need to ask for help?

Often, tehy asked from NGOs like mine for help. Sometimes, they are just so far away, I had to ask. DOnt you have any family members that you can turn to? The hesitation... kills me all the time. 

Sah sah, datang dari perut yang sama, sebab tu la dipanggil adik-beradik. Sah sah sperm tu la yang jadinya wanita ini sebagai manusia di muka bumi ini, but most of the time, these women dont turn to these men that suppose to be their protector.

Even when I did called these men to help their sister or daughter. The answer always.. "kami tak nak masuk campur. Rumahtangga dia, tak patut kot kami masuk campur." 

Kepala hotak kau!!!

The responsibility of brothers and fathers never stop once your sister got married lah. It continues. In fact, as a brother and father of the wife, you are suppose to visit them from time to time at their home. One reason is, when you visit your sister's family, she dont need to wear tudung to cover her hair and body. She can be more at ease. 

The simplest reason. where the brothe and father is responsible to theur sister and daughter. Until she die.. it is all in the Quran and Sunnah. Learn that..

Forgiving Chin Peng

I want to write here as short and as sweet as possible.. Which I doubt very much.

I am so sick when I heard the PAS people actually went to Chin Peng's wake. Seriously? These people, do they know Allah or not? Who is more important here? Allah or Chin Peng? Why do I ask this question? Chin Peng was against religion including Islam. Malayan were suppose to live as communist. Kalau aku makan babi, ko pun makan babi, esok aku makan nasi, engkau pun makan nasi je. No more, no less. Does not really matter if you are a Muslim and not. You have to eat pork kalau Chi  Peng makan pork masa tu. Ada paham? No option...

Asking Malaysians, Malayans to forgive Chin Peng, why not we ask the Jews to forgive Hitler first?See what has happened to our world. Tunggang terbalik because of Yahudi. It is good enough that us Malaysians/ Malayans tak tunggang terbalikkan dunia okay.

Some more, tak abis abis nak suruh bawak balik Chin Peng's ashes. Hello!!! If we Muslims die in Mekah, we tanam there okay. Tak bawak balik Malaysia pun. Kecohnya lah pasal abu Chin Peng ni...

Forgive Chin Peng...? Maybe... forget what he did? NEVER!

Burn the flag or... the PM's photo.

Yup.. Sabah or more speicific, Lahad Datu is in super intense situation. We, here in Semenanjuing, only heard rumours, read blogs, facebook and newspapers. And one of the blogs from Malaysia shows the burning of our PM's photo with the Jalur Gemilang as the background of the photo.

What I don't get is, the one doing all the bakar bakar are not Malaysians. Any idiot would know, if you are angry at the country, you burn the flag, not the photo of the PM. I am right or I am wrong? Unless you are from Malaysian opposition party. Yes, you burn the PM's photo, not the flag. See my logic here?

Adam Lambert in Malaysia... is it about him as a singer or because he is gay?

I love Adam Lambert. He has a good voice and he has a good attitude. He is perseverance and he has determination.

But, of course, Malaysians not so in general just love to make fuss about him when he was in Malaysia. Why oh why? Because he is gay.

He chose to be gay, to be a singer and to dress differently. Because of that, we have to hate him. Really?

We Malaysians need to broaden (is my spelling right) our mind. That does not mean that we need to accept the wrongs. We just need to understand there are so many kind of people in this world. They may be wrong in our mind in a fact that as a Muslim, gay is wrong. But he may have other good things inside of him. That we have to look at also.

To me, it is unfair for what they said about Adam Lambert. I am not his fan, but it is not good for a Muslim to say about another person like he is like another rubbish.