Early Riser for a reason

 When all other mothers were up early every morning to make sure breakfast is ready, house is clean, and do whatever work before the kids are up. It has always been different for me. 

I don't prepare breakfast. Time to time,,, yeah. But most of the time, my kids eat the cereal or the most, i do something with eggs and they eat them. well, up to them. Whatever they want to make with the eggs. Or even the prefer to do something else, it is still okay.

Morning, is my time. I play games on my phone, or watch some videos from  YouTube or read some books. Dont get to finish them anymore because I am always busy during the day. Cooking, doing works for the NGO that I am in. yeah... doing anything and everything for others. Now, school has not started. Because of the pandemic. My  duty to send and pick up, not happening at moment.

I don't cry, but I did this morning. I cried hard. Alone. Something that I do quite a lot lately. Why did I cry this morning?

I have done everything that is in and out of my ability to protect myself and children. We are away, hiding. But, we are still stuck.

Doctors, change of medicine.. Happier environment. Still, her meltdown is out of mine or anyone's control. 

My other daughters is still 

Thinking positive has been my life... Maybe I should start thinking negatively. Maybe I don't get stuck anymore. If I think and believe the opposite way. Seriously.. I am just tired of the reason I am stuck because someone just not letting me go. I don't like blaming others. So still keep on telling myself, I let him do this to me. It was my fault., Now.. it is all getting back at me. With all this in my head. I cried hard this morning. Alone. and I don't cry just because, I just don't. Afraid? Maybe... 

How many times that I cried, the man that suppose to be my protector let me cry but then make it , it was my stupidity and mengada-ngada that I cried. All my adult life...thats why i dont cry anymore. Cry hurts me worst.

So.. me waking up early daily, I might have to add crying alone as part of my schedule. Since it does make me feel better. not great, just better. hmmm... Not liking it.. I dont want to cry for a good reason. I want to feel happy because of real happiness. Please...