Not perfect

Flaws everywhere. From the face to the heart. No kidding. 

I just doing nice things to people to animal to anything. And because of that, i was told that i am a bad person. Over sangat.. Hmm.. 

This is for you suckers. I love what i am doing. I dont feel its beban. I am bloody good at what i am doing. If you think that is just my ego. So be it. If you think i look for fame.. Almost ten years doing this. Tak femes pun. If you think i am not taking care of myself. I dont look that ugly.. I take my bath daily, do my beauty routine daily, eat my vitamins, eat too well actually and aming other things. So back off suckers. You cant do what i do. Jangan nak kecoh and tunjuk jeles tu sangat boleh? 

Laters baby. Wakakakaka!!! 

 

Longing

Never really told anyone about my family problem. But, this girl that my daughter was hugging, her mother saw it from my daughter's action. When the look of longing. For a father. When her friend has a father that is not by blood to be with, to hug, to kiss and to be a daughter. The look that haunted her friend's mum till this very day. 

I dont teach my daughter to have that look. Its from her heart.. How that, when i learned about that, it makes me so sad. How is it that she has a father but she is not comfortable to feel and love him as a father. 

Stop blaming me. This is the reality. It sucks. But it is real. 

 

Mak left us.

 Mak finally at her final resting place. As her child, it is.never enough with what i have done for her. I will never feel the satisfaction. Whatever she wanted to eat.. She has eaten. Whatever she wanted to do or go, my siblings has done for her.

My duty now is to recite yassin and al-Quran to her, be a much better person so that her life here after is beautiful. Beg for Allah to have mercy on her so that she will go into Jannahtul Firdaus without hisab. Her sadaqah.. On her behalf.. Cannot stop. Have to remind my children too.

I love you mak. No matter what people said. I love you. I may not show much.. But i do. 

My choice for today

What are my choices. Be with my child or be with my mum. My mum has 4 children, 3 with her except for me. 

My daughter on the other hand, has only 1 mom. 

I have to choose to be with her. Consequences that i have to take. 

 

Not my job

 https://youtu.be/ESpM_qOU_Ak

I have not really watch Crazy Rich Asian until my daughter showed me this scene.

Yup.. It is not a woman's job to mske the husband more manly and more husbandly. 

Crying helps?

 I am not really s person who cries even for out of happiness snd worse..l wish i cry more now. Seriously. It may be the reason Allah is not answering my prayers. Because I coukd still handle whatever i am facing. 

My mum is not well. She has been in the hospital. There were water coming out from her skin. Because too much water under her skin. Dialysis.. She only manage to do not as long as 4 hours it seems. That is why. A lot of water in her body. I cant go and see my mun. I have to do whats inportant now.

I got the IPO this afternoon. Not sure how long it will last. But at least.. Better than nothing. Working on all of this. It hurts so bad. How did i get here. Doing all this. I have to protect my children. My emak would want me to do that. She wont be happy if i dont protect my children. They are still so young..

It sucks to be me right now.