Same situation

Wednesday.. I wish that i will get my talaq. Get it over and done with. And move on. Oh well.. I am not sure how it will turn out. I have seen his delay tactics. And many falls for it. And i think, my brother included.

Lets make it this way. Even if he didnt say his talaq to me. It is not going to change anything on me or my kids. We are still living our lives. A little struggle here and there. But, we are happier. 

Him? Happy, not happy? I really dont care. He put himself in this situation and trying ti make me look bad. But telling people i make him loom bad. Up to you. Even if i dont get the talaq. That does not mean, there will be changes. Maybe some changes.. But it has nothing to Amran. In reality, he is already my ex. Aameen.

Friends or Family

 When we decided to leave. We were terrified. With no money, with nothing much to bring, except for our clothes, laptops, books and such. That are important.

The thing is, a few friends found out, and they helped us immediately. No question asked. The only question they asked, anything else we were lacking and they got it for us. They dont ask for me to pay back. No, nothing.

It was a good beginning. Struggling here and there as my income has always been ups and downs. 

I could feel, that my soon to be ex wish that i am suffering for leaving. He gave rm200 each to my children, per month for the past few months and started to increase to rm300 this month.

He has an apartment that he let me managed and the rental goes into my account. That helps, with the kids insurance that i am atill paying monthly. Why do i bother? Because the money, might help with my children to further their study. Truth. I cannot predict if the father going to pay or not for their studies. Yeah.. I know, kids chose not to speak to their father. As they gave up in trying to make him understand, from their point of view. And they gave up on just letting go of the blame game that the father has been putting on them. It has always someone else's fault for anything that has happened.

Back to my friends. You all are just incredible. Thanks to my two brothers as well who has helped me financially, time to time.

I dont know how to ask for money. From anyone, even my own family. But if my friends ask me out for dinner or Lunch. I told them straight, cheap places, i am in. So, most of the time, they pay for my meals. And for that i am internally and eternally greatful.

Not my job

 https://youtu.be/ESpM_qOU_Ak

I have not really watch Crazy Rich Asian until my daughter showed me this scene.

Yup.. It is not a woman's job to mske the husband more manly and more husbandly. 

Crying helps?

 I am not really s person who cries even for out of happiness snd worse..l wish i cry more now. Seriously. It may be the reason Allah is not answering my prayers. Because I coukd still handle whatever i am facing. 

My mum is not well. She has been in the hospital. There were water coming out from her skin. Because too much water under her skin. Dialysis.. She only manage to do not as long as 4 hours it seems. That is why. A lot of water in her body. I cant go and see my mun. I have to do whats inportant now.

I got the IPO this afternoon. Not sure how long it will last. But at least.. Better than nothing. Working on all of this. It hurts so bad. How did i get here. Doing all this. I have to protect my children. My emak would want me to do that. She wont be happy if i dont protect my children. They are still so young..

It sucks to be me right now. 

Lies to save yourself

 Trying so hard to make me look bad, and aa though you still care?

Enough is enough. I am exhausted to even just to smile, nod and let go.

No man no worries

 Growing up, i am more listening to my paternal Grandma. My nenek. She went through war with thr Japanese, hardship of being poor even though she was basically a daughter of a respected man and married to at that time, it was considered as big as not many of locals became a magistrate. That was my paternal Grandma. My Tok Ki.

Almost every weekend, my cousins, aunties and uncles will be at my parents house because my nenek was there. I see how she brush off anything that not to her liking. She smile, she laugh and she got hurt too. But she took everything gracefully. She was never bitter. She just let everything flow and go. 

I believe, thats why, i am too positive. Thats how i was described but my friends and children. Of course, i went through hurt snd happiness. Whatever it was, i still smile. Not only on social media. But, anytime.. Will still smile. I was told that i need to feel the hurt.. I do. It is not that i dont. It is just that. I let hurt sink into my every part ofy body and soul and then, tomorrow is a new beginning. It is as simple as that to me. 

Yeah... At the back of my mind, i see my grandma aka nenek in me. No husband? No worries. Even though in my case, i have to get myself out of the marriage and my soin to be ex away from my children. At least for the time being. My children, they need to heal. I pray that he could understand the damages that he has done. Yes, i know, he said it was ne who did it. Say whatever hr wants. Whats important is the reality.

Knowledge is power

 Today, i can see why, my soon to be ex husband chose that lawyer to be his lawyer. As I learned that the lawyer's office is like in Kajang or somewhere there. 

They have the same way of thinking. It may not seem obvious but I saw it when he tried to threaten me with nusyuz. Lucky for him, I have a lawyer and I know my rights.

Please ya lawyers. Even though you are representing your client, you are still answering to Allah. Fear Allah please. This morning it is not that he didn't know that I have a lawyer representing me. but he tried. He shove the nusyuz fear to me. 

Get this... Do you really believe Allah will continue let me be bullied and abused? and after all that, putting and giving me all the courage to actually love myself and stand up for myself, I am condemn to hell for sure for being nusyuz? Are you bloody sure we have the same God? My God is Allah.. who is yours? As a syariah lawyer, you should have fear of Allah. You  do have the knowledge of Islamic Law. 

My guess is now, ,thats why many women got defeated with our Syariah system because rhey dont have the knowledge. Even my own sibling was trying to make me tebus talak when I know my rights. yup.. she tried. 

Taking care of myself and my children is not wrong. We away from their father is self care. Get that... Nusyuz or not, Allah wont want me to harm myself or my children, You.. Mr Lawyer obviously do not know anything about what Allah can do to assholes like you for threatening a woman like me.

Syariah Law for Women

I learned for the past few months. Bukan senang nak jatuh nusyuz seorang wanita, bukan senang seorang isteri itu derhaka pada isterinya. Our syariah system tidak menyebelahi pihak lelaki. Cuma orang perempuan, khususnya isteri tak tahu hak mereka. Dan mereka tidak diberitahu hak mereka, 

Sebelum failkan cerai, learn. Find out. Buat research sendiri. Jangan malu untuk bertanya pada kawan kawan yang dah jadi janda.

Sebelum failkan Fasakh, bersedia untuk buka semua cerita, sampaikan cerita dalam bilik tidur jugak. Tak yah la nak malu. If your man dont satisfy you sampai orgasm pun boleh kira dengan jari. ready to inform that to the judge. It is important. Sebab, most men will not even hesitate to do exactly that.

Learn as much as possible. Know your rights. As a wife. Jangan dengar cakap orang yang tak tahu apa apa. You must know, sekolahkan mereka yang suka hati kata seorang isteri itu derhaka, yang sukahati nak nerakakan sekorang isteri. Ya, sekolahkan mereka, But before nak sekolahkan mereka. You must have the info and knowledge. So dont stop asking and learning.

Family

I have seen many cases of mothers, wives that been beaten by their husbands, boyfriends and such. who do the need to ask for help?

Often, tehy asked from NGOs like mine for help. Sometimes, they are just so far away, I had to ask. DOnt you have any family members that you can turn to? The hesitation... kills me all the time. 

Sah sah, datang dari perut yang sama, sebab tu la dipanggil adik-beradik. Sah sah sperm tu la yang jadinya wanita ini sebagai manusia di muka bumi ini, but most of the time, these women dont turn to these men that suppose to be their protector.

Even when I did called these men to help their sister or daughter. The answer always.. "kami tak nak masuk campur. Rumahtangga dia, tak patut kot kami masuk campur." 

Kepala hotak kau!!!

The responsibility of brothers and fathers never stop once your sister got married lah. It continues. In fact, as a brother and father of the wife, you are suppose to visit them from time to time at their home. One reason is, when you visit your sister's family, she dont need to wear tudung to cover her hair and body. She can be more at ease. 

The simplest reason. where the brothe and father is responsible to theur sister and daughter. Until she die.. it is all in the Quran and Sunnah. Learn that..