Daddy's little girl

This little girl... love to sleep in her daddy's arm. Daddy's little girl.

My youngest daughter....

This is my youngest daughter. She always have new idea to do something to entertain herself.

I was afraid that the two rattan chairs will actually fall on her or something.

But she is so not stopping. She was actually enjoying the moment when her feet was up not on the floor.
Yup... after a few minutes... she is still not stopping. In fact she adjusted the two chairs to make it more easier for her to do exactly what she was doing.
Finally... the best position for her to play and play and play.

A scape goat... again?

I never have a new year's resolution in my whole life. Not even once. But this year... I am going to put some distance between me and my family. Got to do that... No more calling my mum every two days.. No more calling anyone so often. I think that would be better for me. You think?

Buat baik di balas baik ke?

There was once, I helped a family member of my husband to the extend that I get as many help as I could. To me, he needed help, I am able to help so I helped. Yes, I know that he did asked me to help him and his family but it was voluntarily. They needed help, so I helped. That was all.

But they sometimes talk about the whole thing but they exclude me. Yup, after all the help that I could get which inclusive of free lodging in London for almost three weeks, asking my father's and my brother's friends to be there for the family, and few small other kind of help, please don't try to make as though it was your relative who did everything. That just bad. I know after that, a few of your relative and 'orang kampung' who is a big shot in government started to help emotionally and as well as physically. But, they are putting it as though I did not play a role at all. I do feel sad. I got a heart okay.

At one point, my husband even said that if my brothers and sister ask for help, it is not important and he doesn't really need to help. If parents, he will help. Only to that extend. I could see where my husband got that kind of attitude. I saw it as a whole. Sampainya hati.

Adam Lambert in Malaysia... is it about him as a singer or because he is gay?

I love Adam Lambert. He has a good voice and he has a good attitude. He is perseverance and he has determination.

But, of course, Malaysians not so in general just love to make fuss about him when he was in Malaysia. Why oh why? Because he is gay.

He chose to be gay, to be a singer and to dress differently. Because of that, we have to hate him. Really?

We Malaysians need to broaden (is my spelling right) our mind. That does not mean that we need to accept the wrongs. We just need to understand there are so many kind of people in this world. They may be wrong in our mind in a fact that as a Muslim, gay is wrong. But he may have other good things inside of him. That we have to look at also.

To me, it is unfair for what they said about Adam Lambert. I am not his fan, but it is not good for a Muslim to say about another person like he is like another rubbish.

No dictation please.

Today, I have upset the whole evening. Why oh why? At first I did not realized why, but when my husband got back from work, he could see that I had a lot on my mind. Finally he managed to crack me open.

This afternoon, my mum called me. something has happened where one of my siblings has made a remark that she doesn't like to hear. I was able to understand here reasons of being upset. she told me her stories and a lot other things. Well, that is my relationship with my mum. She tells me her stories, and i just say hmm and nod at the same time. No comments, no feedback, nothing at all. I just let her talk and talk.

Well, this afternoon, she was telling me stories as usual and I was listening, as usual. But somewhere in the middle of the conversation, she started telling me what to say if a certain situation arises. Basically if I saw any of my friends' partner, spouse is cheating, I do not tell my friend. I am not allowed to say anything because it won't be good for me. I was suppose to follow exactly what she said, because she said so.

The thing is, what my mum do not know about me is, I'd rather lose my friends than doing the wrong thing by keeping the secret of cheating husband or wife from my friends. I did all this before, and of course with evidence (nowadays, handphone mostly got camera, so take pictures as evidence). Yes, i did lose their friendship at the beginning, but when they no more in denial, they became my friends again.

This is me. My mum should not even try to dictate me now any longer. I am who I am. But she did this afternoon. That was the reason I was upset the whole evening. hmmm.... i am 33. it is not that my mum cannot give me advice. Advice is different from dictating. I am what I am. am just different from most people. Only a few people who knows me as I am.

Getting fatter

I just stop breastfeeding my baby a week before Ramadhan. A month plus before that, I just went through a procedure for my hips and due to that, I am not suppose to do any exercise. Oh man...

I love to eat. Variety is the key. I may not take rice like other Malaysians do, but I do love other kind of food. But as I eat, I usually do my runnings in the morning and some exercises in the evening. Besides that, I was breastfeeding my child. Calories was burning while I was eating. I was able to maintain my weight.

When I had to stop exercising, I do realized that my weight increased a bit but when I stop breastfeeding my baby... it was obvious that I need to stop eating. I really need to stop eating. That is just so hard. I love food.

Now I have a mission. I really need to lose the weight as my choices in my wardrobe is not as many as before. In three months, I will get back to size M/L. Pray for me kay...

Iran vs the world

I honestly do not really understand what is happening between the western and Iran. Why are they so 'dengki' that Iran is developing their own nuclear power. Is it so hard to believe that there are other countries that are ready to defend themselves or to attack others?

Iran is basically digging their own grave. But under the grave, they have a place that they are so safe. hahahaha!!! I think I am sooo right. But of course, the western are always in denial.

For the western, hahahaha!!! You do realized that you all look so 'cuak' with the statement that you have been giving right? and for Iran, if the western or whoever may attack you one day (May Allah protect you), please do not just defend, go and attack them back at the same time. Serves them right.

Self absorbed

Some people they are just so self absorbed or like to see what is more wearable for themselves than look at it as if it is wearable for other people as well. That is human nature but I do not think that is the way it is just because naturally human are like that.

Few things has been happening to me and my family lately. In the incidents and things that are happening make me realized how some people could say things that base on what they believe than putting themselves in the other person's shoes.

My blog on me being pregnant has made me received a lot of emails that condemning me as a mother. They keep on telling me that I should be thankful that I got pregnant while so many others out there do not have that same opportunity. Who said that I don't. I am thankful, very-very thankful. If I did not go through this craziness during pregnancy and after pregnancy, I would volunteer myself to be a surrogate mother to my brother and sister-in-law.

Anyway from that same blog, I also got a lot of emails from mothers that went through what I went through but had no guts saying it out loud because of the judgmental attitude and so self absorbed people would do or say to them. Because of that blog, I have formed a group of women who went through the emotional turmoil during pregnancy and after pregnancy and had no support at all after trying telling people around them that it was sucks terribly.

So peeps... stop judging and start listening. In whatever is happening around you and your family. Stop thinking what your actions and that person would do what your actions would be, instead look closely and see how the hurtfulness in their eyes.

I am thankful that my husband finally saw the result of my emotional turmoil during pregnancy and after pregnancy. We have promised each other to handle what is in front of us that is sooo need our attention. Thank you Allah.

33 today...!!!

I am 33 today... What have I done in my life? Nothing much.

I am not big shot in big company that manage thousands of people. Be good and sometimes pretend to be somebody else for the sake of the company. Dress up every morning to go to work and put on a happy face or boss face or something. There's always deadline and someone's throat you want to strangle or someone else try to strangle yours. I am a housewife that, I get up every morning, try to wake my husband and my children up for work and school. Get their breakfast ready and get them ready. Once they are gone to work or school, I am so free to do whatever I want.

In the evening, I am the driver for my kids. For Islamic classes to ballet classes. Tiring.... then cooking time. Wow!! Sound so simple but in actual fact is, it is so tiring.

Anyway... I realized that I am happier now, than before. When I was a working mother, I always got frustrated in so many things. I had to deal with so many kind of people. It is not that I do not care about them, but, they are still just people that come and go in my life, my family is a lot more than that. My guess is, that is why I am much happier now.

Separate room for married couple.

I just don't understand, why is it most of married couple do not sleep in the same room after an argument. How do they solve the problem if they are not in the same room? I was told the same thing when I just got married. I have never seen my parents sleep separately so, I ignored the whole idea. I told my husband right away after I got the suggestion of not sleeping in the same room after a fight or argument that is not going to happen as long as he is married to me. He agreed.

Make up sex is the best. You may not resolve the problem but the sex would still be fantastic. That will save your marriage. Try it if you do not believe me. so, still sleep in the same room no matter what.

Growing up in 1Malaysia

I don't know about you, but I grew up in 1Malaysia way of life.

When I was in school, my classmates are Malays, Chinese and Indians. Those days, it was really fun. We helped each other in school work and activities. That is not all, we talk to each other not only politely and normally but impolitely. Yup... we were soooo.... rude to each other but no hard feeling. Seriously.... Let me give you an example...

I was good in Math and English and but horrible in Geography and moderate in all other subjects. When I need help in Geography, there was this one Chinese girl that always willing to help. She was also good at it. So, lets say, that after helping me out about 10 minutes but I still couldn't get it, of course I will surely 'kena'. She would say "Something simple like this also don't know meh? Your brain lag of a very important food la, that's why you cannot catch what I am trying to teach you." Of course I would ask, " What do I lag of?" and she would say "Babi! (Pig)". I might kick her rear or something but that is all. I do not get upset with her because I know, she meant nothing.

Another example would be if a Chinese girl came to me asking for my help for English subject, I would help in any way that I could. But if let say after a while, she could noy get what I was trying to explain, I would say this " You sure eat pig la last night, that is why you are so slow today." My friend would say, "cannot resist la... so nice. You should try also." And I would say, "don't want la. Nanti surely I become slow slow like you" Of course I got a slap on my shoulder or she would pretend to stab me or something.. but that was it. No hard feeling.

Where has all this harmonious living gone to? I do realized though, when I got married to a KL guy, the surroundings was really all about being Malay or Chinese and Indians. I have heard a Malay woman said that she doesn't want to do open house during Hari Raya because her Chinese friends ate a lot. " They really balun, no shame". I thought the whole idea of open house is have friends and relatives to come over to your place and eat whatever that you laid on the table. Why do they need to feel a shame by eating a lot? I just don't get it. To me, I would be a shame if my guests did not eat during my open house. Doesn't really matter if you are a Malay, chinese and Indian and of course my best friend is a Melanau.

Those were the days that kids actually grow up in 1Malaysia. Now??? Not so much.

Why do they want me pregnant?

I have three children. I love them super dearly. They are my life, my love and my everything. Sometimes I am their mother and sometimes I am their monster. But still, I love them so so much.

Most people will tell the beauty of being pregnant. I can tell you the same. Being pregnant is a nice in a lot of ways... you have all kinds of reasons to eat as much as you want. The baby needs the nutrition.. that has been my reason for all my three children. That's why it has been hard for me to lose the baby fat after giving birth. Of course breastfeeding my child is another good reason for me to keep on eating. hahaha!!! But not as much as during pregnancy.

Like my husband and my family, extra care and consideration are given to me. Nice. I do take advantage of the situation sometimes. Why not. I was carrying a baby inside me. And the baby depends on me, so everyone else needs to really take care of me. That was just super cool advantages that I had. Again... Why not?

The first three months of pregnancy, I will get dizzy a lot, puking all the time and everything around me is just smell horrible. I hate everything and anything. Anything that I ate will end up inside the toilet or the drain. It was really suck. Super suck. Don't make me start on bloating. Somehow, I feel there were extra air in some parts of my body besides my tummy after throwing my guts out into the toilet. It makes me feel fat and clumsy, and of course flabby.

From fourth to the sixth month was the time that I became emotionally unstable. Everyone and anyone gets into my nerve. I shout and at anyone and everyone. I do feel like slapping and hitting anyone and everyone. I was angry all the time with no valid reason. I cried a lot, especially after being a terrible person in front of my children and have a horrible intention towards my children. Many many times that I feel like hitting them a lot. Not only hitting them but hurting them as well. The feeling was really plain bad. I regret it after being angry at them but after an hour or so, I will do it again. I really hate myself at that period of time. Did anyone see that. I have no idea. I think my husband keep a close eye on that. So are my other family members. It is all because they want me to be pregnant and have the baby.

The final three months? I just do not know how to describe. Stupid, horrible, depressing and so many other words. All of them in one person that was me. Really bad. I went through all that. I was not able to control. I did pray a lot. I read the al-Quran to seek help from Allah. But, it was still horrible. By the end of seventh month, I keep on praying and wishing that the baby would come out from me as soon as possible. Of course, that never happen. In fact, I was always overdue. Oh God.... I was not able to stand it. I really do not like the moment when I had to nervously wait for the sign for the time the baby to come out to appear. I was like never ending. I just want the emotional ups and downs go away as soon as possible. I hate it. I truly hate it.

Then, the baby was out. Before that, only God knows how painful it was to give birth. Super pain. I remember when my baby was out and cleaned, the nurses gave the baby to me, I do not want to see it yet. As long as the baby was healthy, I am fine. That was all. Just don't remind me that because of the baby I was sick and in pain every part of my body. But of course, no one was able to understand that. They keep on asking me to feed and touch my baby. I feel like shouting at them to leave alone. Just for a while.. leave me alone. I need a little time for myself. That is all I was asking. Tiredness was eating me. Can't they see that?

Post natal depression... that was just sucks... I was able to keep it to myself most of the time. In malay, it called meroyan. Even my husband didn't realized that I was depress and emotionally unstable. The first baby was manageable. the second baby, it was getting worse and the third was really bad. For oney whole year after I gave birth, I suffered from the depression. One long year.

So, when my husband ask me to try for another baby, I just cannot stand the idea. I do not want to be a monster. But my husband do not understand that. And yesterday, his sister ask me the same. And I told her that I do not like it. I do not like being pregnant. I could still see in my children's eye when they saw me, it was like they were looking at this monster who just morph out from their mother. I cannot bear it. But of course, my sis-in-law also cannot see my point. Unless they actually love me being a monster. I guess...

So, in short.. pregnant is just not for me. Three pregnancy is enough. If my husband wants more children, I really do not mind if get more babies from another woman. He can always marry another woman. I don't really care. Honestly. Of course it will hurt me really bad but I always have my children. They are my love and my life.

If, my husband still wants more children, and he wants it from me, I might do it, but I will need him to confirm with me that he is willing to take chances and it may happen at any cost. If he is willing. I might do it. It is not that I did not warn him. If anything happen to me after I gave birth to 4th child, please show this post to my husband. I could feel it in my heart, the cost is going to be very dear.

Few or many children?

A few years back, when was not married yet, a good friend of mine lost her mother. She passed away while she was doing her grocery shopping at Pasar Besar Seremban.

That was when I heard that there were 6 boys in his family. All six of them carried their mothers body to the grave and buried their mother. Six children... Why not? I would like my children to do the same to me. That's what I thought at that time.

Now, I do realized that quality is more important than quantity. Having many children do not promise you that one day, at least one would be able to take care of you or at least be there with you.

So many veterans, old ladies and men are deposited at the old folks home. Most of them do not have a choice as their their children are old, moneyless or just plain lazy with a lot of excuses. How I wish parents could do the same to their children, as being old, moneyless and lazy and a lot of other excuses to not taking care of their children.

This is just bad. I've seen Old Folks Home and been there. I can't blame the caretaker as some oldies are really sometimes could really make another person or their caretaker upset and lose their temper with their nuisance. But the oldies are just being them. Just like kids being kids.

So... why is it that grown up kids do come up with a lot of excuses in taking care of their parents. Life commitment? Spouse? Their own kids? What? Probably is not even an excuse... it is just naturally like that. Really?

Parents brought their children up teaching them about survival and living in this tough tough world. Probably the situation and condition as the parents grow older never really came up. So, some children, they do not see that their parents actually grow old and do need help. A lot of help. Instead of the parents continue be there for them and assist them, but it goes the other way around a well.

I hope I am not the kind of kids that thought their parents stay young forever...

Do you see what I see....

Really really look at the tree.. Do you see what I see?


Can you see it now?

Up close... Can you see it?

I took this photo when I was in my hometown while I was accompanying my mum. While I was at the kitchen the maid realized that birds were chirping non stop near a tree. So, we started to wonder and snoop and then we saw the reason behind the noise.

There was a big lizard or some call it chameleon on the tree... Amazing...

The right age to get and be married

Lately, everyone is talking about small girls are forced to marry and older men. Girls as young as 11 years of age. It is a pity for these girls are being forced to grow up at an early stage. Is it? Or is it, girls do mature from boys earlier, that is why girls are suppose to take on responsibilities such as marriage at an early age.

I have been getting emails on this. Telling that in sunnah and al-Quran, as long as girls has come to their puberty, they can be married. But they forgot about the reasons behind the sunnah. Our prophet got married these young girls to protect them. Some are slaves and some was widowed at the very young age. Those days, a widow needs all kind of protection that they could get even from their late husband's family. Small girls are just not protected if they are not married. So, should we compare those times and now.

The thing is, how many women even the mature ones are in greater danger after they got married. Physically or mentally or even emotionally. The responsibilities as a wife, daughter-in-law, a mother and then as a woman. Mot of them, they don't really say it out loud, the channel their frustration and sadness by blabbing the whole day, or get super jealous if their husband even look at another woman. If women say it out loud, it seems so unnatural. To be a wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law and a woman should come naturally to them . Really? No school should be teaching all these things? Really?

What can I say, it is a man's world. Man can take their time to adjust themselves being married, having children, seeing their wives got huge during pregnancy and two months with no sex after their wives gave birth.

Well... this what sister told me when I was young. Men is like kites. To control a flying kite we need to play with thread that holding it. Sometimes we let go, and then we pull them back.

If only we could teach that to girls from very early stage and if only all women could actually understand that and do it. Sure... girls can get married at the very young age. And the next thing we know, there are going to be rules men are not allowed to marry young girls because it is hazardous to them. Men can only marry women that they assume are idiots or they could control. It will no longer be, young girls cannot be married young or below certain age. The men cannot be married. huhuhu!!! One day there might these kind of warning.

Smart girls and women area.
Stay away!!!

Role of a doctor

For almost 25 years, my mum has suffered from diabetes. All of us (my siblings) are aware of her condition since we were young. She has been on medication and she also control her food intake. She has been very careful we her food. Nothing sweet or anything with carbs.

After 25 years, of course the medication that has been taken start to take effect on your main organs, especially the kidney. Somehow, my mum's kidney has suffered and lose its function now.

Last year, she started her medication on her kidney, besides her diabetes and also blood pressure. The doctor that she went to, never even once mention that she was not suppose to take food with high potassium and also phosphotus. None at all. He only mention that my mum was not suppose to eat beef and also star fruit. That is all. So, my mum obey the doctor's order. No beef and no startfruit. He did not explain the reason even though my mum asked. To me that was just plain weird. But, I did noy say much as my mum was worried with her condition.

Last week, some how, my dad brought my mum to see a different doctor. Her potassium level was sky rocket high. The thing is, a few days before that, my mum took like at least 4 bananas. Banana has super high potassium and she took four. So, when she went to see the doctor did a blood test, of course the reading on her potassium was super high. The doctor has no other choice but to put her on dialysis. So, from then on, she is on dialysis.

The thing, why the hell the first doctor never told her about the food that she can and she cannot take. So anyone who went to see a doctor in Seremban on your kidney problem, please be super careful. I don't think, him as a doctor, cares about your health. Please avoid going to him for consultation when it comes to your kidney problem. And I was not the only one who thought of him like that. There were actualy more others who feels the same way too toward this.

The photo of this python was taken in TTDI... can somebody please do something. I sent an email to DBKL and TTDI residence. HELP!!! This is a super big python.

Allah is no Jesus, Allah is Allah.

It has been an uproar in Malaysia on the using of Allah by the non-Muslims. At first, I did not understand what was really going on. I thought the Christians newspaper wants to write on Islam and use the word Allah. Until a few weeks ago when there was fire that was said done by the Muslims to show their anger after the court rule that the newspaper could use the word Allah.

After that, I started to find out what it was all about. And now I know. A bit, not much but at least I do know now.

Using the word Allah by the non-Muslim is common in other places such as Egypt, Saudi Arabia and most middle Eastern countries. That is because Allah means God in arabic. Even in an ancient bible that I have read when I was young, the word Allah indicates God. Believe it or not, Buddhist has their own kind Bible and they also use the word Allah.

But in these two books that I have read, Allah is God, not Jesus for the Christians and not Buddha for the Buddhist. Jesus and Buddha was the messenger of Allah. But from time to time, it has been modified, I think. I did read a bible a few years back as I was staying in a hotel where that particular hotel provide a bible in the room instead of al-Quran. (So weird when Islam is the official religion for Malaysia). A few same verses that I do remember that I have read when I was young and the one that I read a few years back, has been changed. Basically, their God is no longer Allah, but has changed to Jesus. Previously, Jesus was son of God. But now Jesus is Allah. The bible that I read a few years back has totally change. Basically they change their God but still the same religion. How can that be? What has happened? Their Allah died so Jesus took over? But I do know that they do believe that God do not die. I just do not understand the reasoning of the changes.

Allah is Allah. One God. If this world has more that one Allah. The chaos is not just like what is happening now. The planets would just clashes with each other. One God wants the sun to near Mars, and another God wants the sun near moon and so many other things. The next thing we know, planet Earth are next to the sun and every little creature on Earth just burn up like we are all in hell. Then you know how it is feel to have more than one God. If you try to tell me that Allah, Mary and Jesus are family so whatever I said above won't happen, obviously, you have no family. Family do clash.

My point is, using Allah as every religion does not mean that there are more than one God. It may confuse people who has no knowledge in religion. Any religion actually. The Muslims may get confuse and pray the way the Christians pray, do not get shock there are going to be non-Muslims who goes into Masjid and pray, but their way. And who knows, they might like seeing the Muslim pray and started to learn about Islam.

Lets tell everyone in Malaysia no matter what you religion are, now to come to Masjid and pray. If you feel like convert to Muslim, why not? Your choice. Masjid is a beautiful place to pray. The art of Masjid, is just super beautiful. The feeling to be in Masjid is just a feeling that I cannot describe. I call upon everyone, lets go to Masjid and pray. We pray to Allah. One God. It is just a wonderful feeling. Do not be afraid or discourage but just be there and pray. Who knows, your next steps in Masjid may change your life forever. As in Masjid is where we pray to Allah.

The truth about me with kids

I was born as the youngest in the family. I am much younger than my other brothers and sister. Basically I was brought up alone except the first 12 years of life, I had my grandma who was staying with until she passed away.

The thing is, I was so used of being on my own, I have no idea how to take care of small kids. Be friend with them is just a big no for me. Be nice... maybe. But that was all I would do. Don't blame me, I was just not a kid person.

I have three kids of my own. Honestly, I love them with all my heart and because they are mine, that is why I do take care and protect them to the fullest. But, being a person who don't really like kids, I think I have enough with three kids. I do not want to have more. No more. Because, somehow, I am just not good with kids. Disciplinary, yup... I am. Loving mum, yup too... but no more... Seriously.. no more.

My husband do insist that we have more. To go through the pregnancy, giving birth and take of a baby and night, I really despise the idea of going through that again. It was major stress for me. I guess my husband didn't see all that. Most of the time, since my first till the last child, I spend most of my time with them. even when I was working.

even how tired I was after coming back from work, I do make an extra effort to spend time with kids. Even when I had fever. I had no helper when I had only one child. Even how bad my cold or fever, I had no choice but to stay awake and forget that I was sick and make sure that my child are safe. Especially on the weekends.

Yeah... I do not like kids, but my kids, I do love them dearly... it is just I do not want more because I really don't want to go through the whole process again. Even only for more child. I pray hard that I won't get pregnant even unintentionally. Amin.