When he keep on saying to me, i am crazy. Suppose to go and meet with psychiatrist. Little did he know, i have been. Since for so long. I even have my own counseling sessions. With a counselor. I was not able to cope with his abuse. When i started, i didnt realized that i was abused. Mentally. I thought, he was just being mean or himself. And it was okay. I was the one has to learn to be able to adjust myself to his situation. Yeah.. That happens for so long.. That it has become my life style.
Until my children highlighted to me that what he was doing was wrong.
The worst is, i still did not do anything. My children had to make me. Because they love me.
Am i thankful? Very much. My children arr so strong.. They may not be the smartest in class. But to me, they are my champions.
*Nine Lessons from Surah Hujurat*
---------------
"When a glass breaks, the sound of breaking disappears immediately, whereas the glass pieces are scattered all over, hurting whoever walks over it".
Similarly, "When you say something that hurts someone's emotions and feelings, your words disappear, but in the heart remains pain for long."
Therefore, don't say anything except good and always remember the nine advises and prohibitions that ALLAAH has given in Surah Hujurat (The Surah of manners) before you say anything to anyone:
1.-فتبينوا:💎
"Fa Tabayyanu": Investigate: whenever you receive an information, lest you harm people out of ignorance.
2.-فأصلحوا:💎
"Fa Aslihu": Make settlement: between your brothers as believers are brothers.
3.-وأقسطوا:💎
"Wa Aqsitu": Act justly: whenever there is a dispute try for settlement and act justly among both parties as Allah loves those who act justly.
4.-لا يسخر:💎
"La Yaskhar": Don't ridicule people, perhaps they may be better than you to Allah.
5.-ولا تلمزوا:💎
"Wa La Talmizu": Don't insult one another.
6.-ولا تنابزوا:
"Wa La Tanabazu": Don't call each other with offensive nicknames.
7.-اجتنبو كثيرا من الظن:💎
"Ijtanibu Kathiiran min Aldhan": Avoid negative assumptions, indeed some of the assumptions are sins.
8.-ولا تجسسوا:💎
"Wa La Tajassasu": Don't spy on each other.
9.-ولا يغتب بعضكم بعضا:💎
"Wa La Yaghtab": Don't backbite about each other. It's a major sin equivalent to eating your dead brother's flesh.
Lastly, ALLAH says in the Qur'an "Remind, because the reminder benefits believers".
Today, i can see why, my soon to be ex husband chose that lawyer to be his lawyer. As I learned that the lawyer's office is like in Kajang or somewhere there.
They have the same way of thinking. It may not seem obvious but I saw it when he tried to threaten me with nusyuz. Lucky for him, I have a lawyer and I know my rights.
Please ya lawyers. Even though you are representing your client, you are still answering to Allah. Fear Allah please. This morning it is not that he didn't know that I have a lawyer representing me. but he tried. He shove the nusyuz fear to me.
Get this... Do you really believe Allah will continue let me be bullied and abused? and after all that, putting and giving me all the courage to actually love myself and stand up for myself, I am condemn to hell for sure for being nusyuz? Are you bloody sure we have the same God? My God is Allah.. who is yours? As a syariah lawyer, you should have fear of Allah. You do have the knowledge of Islamic Law.
My guess is now, ,thats why many women got defeated with our Syariah system because rhey dont have the knowledge. Even my own sibling was trying to make me tebus talak when I know my rights. yup.. she tried.
Taking care of myself and my children is not wrong. We away from their father is self care. Get that... Nusyuz or not, Allah wont want me to harm myself or my children, You.. Mr Lawyer obviously do not know anything about what Allah can do to assholes like you for threatening a woman like me.
If you are given two choices between your children and someone else. Who would you choose?
1. Between your husband and your children?
My Children
2. Between your parents and your chidren?
My Children
3. Between your siblings and your children?
My Children
4. Between your work and your children?
My children
5. Between money and your children?
My Children
I hope this answers your questions. Without even blinking, this is my answer.
When all other mothers were up early every morning to make sure breakfast is ready, house is clean, and do whatever work before the kids are up. It has always been different for me.
I don't prepare breakfast. Time to time,,, yeah. But most of the time, my kids eat the cereal or the most, i do something with eggs and they eat them. well, up to them. Whatever they want to make with the eggs. Or even the prefer to do something else, it is still okay.
Morning, is my time. I play games on my phone, or watch some videos from YouTube or read some books. Dont get to finish them anymore because I am always busy during the day. Cooking, doing works for the NGO that I am in. yeah... doing anything and everything for others. Now, school has not started. Because of the pandemic. My duty to send and pick up, not happening at moment.
I don't cry, but I did this morning. I cried hard. Alone. Something that I do quite a lot lately. Why did I cry this morning?
I have done everything that is in and out of my ability to protect myself and children. We are away, hiding. But, we are still stuck.
Doctors, change of medicine.. Happier environment. Still, her meltdown is out of mine or anyone's control.
My other daughters is still
Thinking positive has been my life... Maybe I should start thinking negatively. Maybe I don't get stuck anymore. If I think and believe the opposite way. Seriously.. I am just tired of the reason I am stuck because someone just not letting me go. I don't like blaming others. So still keep on telling myself, I let him do this to me. It was my fault., Now.. it is all getting back at me. With all this in my head. I cried hard this morning. Alone. and I don't cry just because, I just don't. Afraid? Maybe...
How many times that I cried, the man that suppose to be my protector let me cry but then make it , it was my stupidity and mengada-ngada that I cried. All my adult life...thats why i dont cry anymore. Cry hurts me worst.
So.. me waking up early daily, I might have to add crying alone as part of my schedule. Since it does make me feel better. not great, just better. hmmm... Not liking it.. I dont want to cry for a good reason. I want to feel happy because of real happiness. Please...
Do I understand why? Nope
Do I know the reason of the meltdown? Nope
Should I even ask? Nope
Then, what should I do?
Wait and be there patiently and keep my mouth shut. In short, don't even try to sweet talk and rationalise anything of her condition and situation.
Feed her. When it is time to eat. Still, don't say a word. Just feed her if I have to and or wait if she can eat on her own. Simple food, make anything complicated. Done eating let her on her own and juts check on her time to time. Oh! Don't forget to kiss and hug her time to time.
If she has medicine make sure she takes her medicine. and make sure we hide them well. As they tend to overdose as that is the only way they know that whatever in their head will stop or just becomes better and clearer. or maybe anything else. I don't know. but yes... just be there.
I am no expert but this is so far helps with my daughter's meltdown. She is 17 the day after tomorrow. But she is still my baby girl.
By the time you swear you are his
Shivering and sighing
and he vows his passion is infinite,
undying
Lady make note of this
One of you is lying
- Sherryl Woods , Chesapeake Shores
One of us were lying. If not, we wont be here, where we are. It sucks, I even feel so much regrets, but that is not going to change the fact, what I am feeling now.
It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.
― The Portable Henry Rollins
Holding on for something that I believed worth holding on for. But affecting my children in a bad way. Was not what I expected at all. And now, trying to fix the damages that I have let happened for years. Not easy at all.
It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party.
―
Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”
― Sex and the City
Yeah... having friends, girlfriends helped me a lot. they keep me sane.
